News for Youse: Science confirms existence of G-spot in dead person
We’re not likely to find a better headline this morning than Doc Finds G-spot in Cadaver. Politely ignoring what he was doing in there in the first place, it seems that a researcher in Florida has isolated and removed the “controversial” Gräfenberg Spot, which takes the form of an elastic, sac-like structure on the anterior wall of the vagina—long held by independent sexologists to be the very best wall of the vagina.
"This study confirmed the anatomic existence of the G-spot, which may lead to a better understanding and improvement of female sexual function," concludes Dr. Adam Ostrzenski in his report, published today in an authentic science journal and not just in an underground newsletter distributed to necrophiles.
Also in mad scientist news this morning, Chinese researchers have taken a genetically modified sheep and then cloned the fucker so that it produces polyunsaturated fat. Team leader Du Yu Tao of the Beijing Genomics Institute (BGI) in Shenzhen told reporters, “We felt that merely cloning an animal was less than the total affront to God and nature we consider ideal,” adding the Peng Peng, as the monstrous beast is affectionately known, is “very good for human health.”
Sure, but even if that's true (it's not), “Things taste better when they have a soul,” as one Georgia Straight staffer once memorably remarked to News for Youse. Just ask any multi-dimensional entity that feasts on human suffering, or, alternately, just ask Bev Oda, whose epicurean palate and taste for the good life has landed the International Development Minister in hot water more than once.
Yesterday, the government declared that Oda has reimbursed the taxpayer for her unscheduled stay at the Savoy Hotel in London last year, where gout-ridden western politicians had gathered to wail, gnash their teeth, and cry, ‘Oh what is to be done about those poor starving diseased kids in resource-rich Africa?’ while tearfully swigging back $16 glasses of orange juice.
Oda came under fire not just for the orange juice, but for spending $1,000 a day on limousines—which, among other things, she used to have the orange juice delivered to her palatial room. Appropriately named and fiscally responsible House leader Peter Van Loan told reporters that he’s expecting Oda’s belated cheque to the taxpayer to arrive by military search-and-rescue helicopter sometime today.