News for Youse: Sex, sex, sex, nerve gas, and Karl Lagerfeld

In the name of all that’s holy, what is happening in the UK? What baleful shadow crosses that green and pleasant land? What beast is it that slouches toward Bethlehem, etc etc?

First, as if yesterday’s vision of telekinetic super-soldiers wasn’t enough, the Royal Society rolled out another bombshell 24 hours later (they're pacing themselves), asking: "Is Britain’s government developing crippling and somewhat illegal nerve agents to use on domestic rabble the next time some mob decides to either loot the nation’s Apple stores or halt its accelerating slide into fascism?"

"The development of incapacitating chemical agents, ostensibly for law-enforcement purposes, raises a number of concerns in the context of humanitarian and human-rights law, as well as the Chemical Weapons Convention," says the report, quoted in yesterday’s Independent.

Referring to statements made by a biochemical pharmacologist at Queen Mary University, the report chirpily adds that “the latest scientific insights into human brain is leading to novel ways of degrading human performance using chemicals.” Novel are they? Well, huzzah! What a deliciously fun way to kill people really slowly.

Meanwhile, parents in Southampton were dismayed to discover that nine schools in the area were giving subdermal contraceptive implants to students as young as 13. “The procedure was carried out as part of a government initiative to drive down teenage pregnancies,” says the Telegraph, adding that the other part of the hormone pumping initiative was not telling anyone about it.

It’s all sex, sex, sex with these government types. In India, three high-ranking politicians have resigned after being caught watching and sending porn to each other’s phones during a session of Parliament, including the minister for women and child development. “Yes, this one is developing quite nicely,” said a confused and slightly horny C.C. Patil, pointing to his Blackberry as he was dumped on the sidewalk by a hefty page.

At least something actually happened in India, in contrast to the States, where—since this has fallen off the radar again—we’re still waiting to hear if charges are pending for the thousands of employees of the NSA, the NRO, DARPA, the Pentagon, DoD, and various military bases and private contractors who were caught purchasing kiddie porn in a sting operation six years ago.

In the 2010 Fox news report above, inappropriately named prosecutor Josh Hanshaft explains that “there are a lot of difficulties built into child pornography cases,” not the least of them being that nobody wants to fucking do anything about it. In another report, CNN revealed that the operation was mysteriously halted after eight months. Good luck getting yer head around that one.

Sorry— too much, too early, too gross? Let’s turn our attention then to the perfumed world of Karl Lagerfeld, where lacy men-things are free to pronounce that Adele is fat, Russian men are ugly, Greece and Italy are “disgusting” (fair dues, actually), and Michelle Obama apparently goes around soliciting opinions on her “big black ass." Or rather, no she doesn’t.

Not that Karl gives a fuck. Notably, Lagerfeld failed to explain why he’s being played by the late Bill Hinzman these days.