News for Youse: Speaking of phony twats—Ben Mulroney

It might look random, but there’s actually a secret order binding all the events we choose to report in News for Youse. It’s nothing we call much attention to usually, but when the pile-up of synchromystical correspondences begins to accelerate, our palms get all sweaty and we start running off at the keyboard.

Anyway, after Monday’s close-up view of an enormous alien mushroom at the bottom of the Baltic Sea, our attention has been captured for a second time this week by a fungi-that-wasn’t, in this case by the Chinese news team who mistook a rubber vagina for a highly prized healing mushroom.

The sex toy was pulled out of a deep well by Shaanxi villagers who figured it was the rare “Meat Lingzhi” fungus, valued at the time of the Minge Dynasty for the powers of longevity it bestowed on anyone who went down on it.

As you can see from the video below, reporter Ye Yunfeng saw no reason to think otherwise of the well-palmed masturbatory device. When you’ve spent your whole life around geoduck, why would you?

We’re reminded that Terence McKenna told us long ago that mushrooms are the gateway to the divine, and we happen have similar feelings here about the vagina—but that’s not important right now. The point of all this is to wish Ben Mulroney well on his path to American television, which is where he always belonged.

Clearly, this is the universe telling us that while Mulroney might look like a TV personality, what we’re really seeing is a big, rubbery twat. Once you start reading the twilight language of the universe, this stuff becomes obvious.

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.