News for Youse: Stanley Cup rioter, underwear bomber, and Ashton Kutcher—three good reasons to shut down the Internet

The first sentence was handed down to a Stanley Cup rioter yesterday. Ryan Dickinson received a 17 month prison term, less three-and-a-half months for time served. Dickinson pleaded guilty to his participation in the big ruck, and was busted after reportedly bragging about it on Facebook instead of just posting pictures of himself in front of the bathroom mirror at Au Bar wearing a polka dot Jersey Shore bra and sucking his cheeks in and like you’re supposed to do.

As you might have noticed, appropriate and proper use of the internet is on people’s minds at the moment, what with SOPA, PIPA, PCIPA, ACTA, TOOPY, and BINOO all representing a seemingly coordinated attack on our online freedoms.

Last week, the UK government climbed on board, producing a report titled The Roots of Violent Radicalisation and calling for legislation that would make Internet Service Providers responsible for removing “extremist Islamist or extremist right-wing content” from its websites.

Ignoring for the moment that an average British parliamentary session is the very definition of “extremist right-wing content,” it seems to News for Youse that a more effective attack on the Roots of Violent Radicalisation would lie elsewhere.

We might wanna start by curbing government agents of their habit of grooming naïve Manchurian underwear bombers, for one thing. While Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was sentenced to life in prison yesterday in Detroit for burning his own nuts on a flight in 2009, questions remained about the role of the “sharp-dressed man” with an American accent who magically persuaded boarding and security personnel in Amsterdam to allow Abdulmutallab to board the plane without a passport.

In fact, not only do questions remain, they were never fucking asked in the first place—at least, not in the reasonable and objective way that News for Youse would prefer. Which kinda burns our nuts, frankly. But we’ll leave it to CBS to hang itself with its own words in its report on the trial today:

“Because he was a passenger, Detroit-area lawyer Kurt Haskell was allowed to publicly repeat his wild claim (emphasis ours) that the U.S. government outfitted Abdulmutallab with a defective bomb partly to force the rollout of body-imaging machines at airports.”

And with that cheaply worded smear, we’ll just assume the case is closed. From the same report, an entirely unrelated tidbit: “The case stirred renewed fears that terrorists could still bring down an American jetliner more than eight years after 9/11, and it accelerated installation of body scanners at the nation's airports.”

But enough of all this dangerous conspookery theo-riddling: in far more vital news, Charlie Sheen is a fuckin’ nut and it looks like he’s been hitting the tiger blood again after lashing out at poor, hapless, semi-retarded Ashton Kutcher yesterday. “I'm tired of pretending Ashton doesn't suck,” Sheen told TMZ, adding, "It's nothing personal.”

Now there’s a story for you.