News for Youse: Stunning Baltic Sea UFO update, cow-human hybrids, and genital mutilation

Louisiana has the right idea. Under a new program funded by the state, parents can elect to pull their kids out of the communist lesbian public-education system and send them off to a private or religious school instead, like the Eternity Christian Academy in Westlake, where students are taught that the Loch Ness monster proves creation theory.

Right-thinking folk among us will applaud Louisiana for using public money to protect the free exchange of ideas, no matter how insane, while others, predictably, want to see an end to it.

“If people want to believe this and they want their children to learn it in school, that’s fine,” writes the Washington Post’s education blogger, Valerie Strauss. “The public shouldn’t have to pay for it.” Yes, well, that’s what a big-city, elitist snob would say, isn’t it? And speaking of cows—China.

On an experimental farm in a suburb of Beijing, researchers have used sophisticated gene-splicing technology to produce a Holstein cow with action-movie star Steven Seagal’s face. Whoops, scratch that. We mean they’ve developed a cow that produces human milk, “but with a taste even stronger and sweeter.”

"The genetically modified cow milk is 80 percent the same as human breast milk," said project director Li Ning, adding that they hope to have an affordable version of the product on your supermarket shelf within three years. Some parents are skeptical, however, with one nervous Nellie telling Reuters, “I don't know what might happen if my daughter consumes genetically modified things."

We know what will happen: she’ll end up with a shitty job at an electronics factory and an ongoing case of lead poisoning, just like if she didn’t consume genetically modified things, so what’s the fucking diff? Honestly, people. And speaking of overprotective—Germany.

In a precedent-setting decision, a district court in Cologne has ruled that “non-medical circumcision is a serious and irreversible interference in the integrity of the human body”—making it the first court to ever criminalize the sacred act of mutilating your kid's knob. So far, there’s been no response to the ruling from the Jewish or Muslim communities, and we’re certainly not going anywhere near this thing, but speaking of mushrooms—the Baltic Sea!

Those intrepid explorers at Ocean X have teased out a little more information about the massive underwater UFO they began investigating last week. Team member Stefan Hogerborn revealed that their electronic equipment cuts out whenever they approach the mysterious object.

“Anything electric out there—and the satellite phone as well—stopped working when we were above the object,” he said. “And then we got away about 200 meters and it turned on again, and when we got back over the object it didn’t work.”

Presumably the affected equipment includes film and video cameras, which means that Ocean X’s projected TV documentary won’t be quite as revealing as we'd hoped. Imagine that!

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.