News for Youse: the Sun pukes out plasma while 3-D printers barf out... Chris Dodd?

So, nobody panic but there is some serious solar shit going on right now, namely crazy solar flares full of radiation heading our way. However, it'll only be noticed by astronauts in space and satellites. And maybe planes travelling over the poles. And if it wasn't so shitty and cloudy out, we might be able to see the northern lights.

Scientists say that we're overdue for one of these coronal mass ejections, in which that glowing orb we know as the Sun barfs out plasma better than a college freshman regurgitates red wine on your front porch. The last CME of note was in 1989, causing blackouts in Quebec. All intergalactic hitchhikers are encouraged to remember their towels.

Here's your extra-credit, make-you-scared reading for today: the solar storm of 1859, aka the Carrington event.

Okay, maybe you don't give a stuff about solar events, but you do have a yen to go swimming in your morning cup of joe. Thanks to Tim Horton's, you can now realize that very disgusting dream. The iconic Canadian coffee shop is now offering 24 fluid ounce cups of coffee. When you consider the average human stomach can only hold around 33 ounces, and that the new serving size has more than half the daily recommended intake of caffeine, we here at News for Youse are happy to take bets on when the first wrongful death lawsuits will be filed against the company (we're taking March 2013).

In today's Heil Harper news, our illustrious PM has decided that parts of the Indian Act need updating. No shit, really? You mean this 136-year-old profoundly racist piece of legislation isn't good enough? News for Youse suggests starting with the name of the act itself, but what do we know? Our forté is really scatological humour and portending the end of the world.

And finally, torrent-sharing website the Pirate Bay has announced that users will now be able to download real objects—kind of. Called "Physibles", users are able to download blueprints that work with a 3-D printer, which essentially "prints" plastic objects—and which also means it's a self-replicating machine. (Hey, I warned you the Matrixing was coming, didn't I?) Wait, you mean you don't just have a 3-D printer lying around? Here's how you can construct one of your own or you can buy one for the low, low price of US$1,749. Currently, there are only a handful of physibles available from the Pirate Bay, including a pirate ship, a camera lens model, a whistle, and, for whatever reason, a 3-D portrait of SOPA cheerleader Chris Dodd. Although, knowing the Internet, you'll be able to download a penis blueprint within the next 12 hours.

Can't wait to see what happens when Anonymous gets its hands on this shit.

Follow doomsday prognosticator Miranda Nelson on Twitter.