News for Youse: Swedish pirates freaked by underwater Millennium Falcon

Last year, the world’s tiny attention span was captured for a few moments when Peter Lindberg and Dennis Åsberg produced a sonar image of a Millennium Falcon–shaped anomaly at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. Last week, the two treasure hunters returned to the site, examining the odd structure up close and then shitting their underwater pants at what they found.

“During my 20-year diving career, including 6000 dives, I have never seen anything like this,” said Ocean X team member Stefan Hogeborn, a frosty professional with ice water for blood, a fearless hunger for answers, and a contract with a TV production company to think about.

A media release by the Ocean X team clarifies matters, but not really:

“First they thought it was just stone or a rock cliff, but after further observations the object appeared more as a huge mushroom, rising 3-4 meters/10-13 feet from the seabed, with rounded sides and rugged edges. The object had an egg shaped hole leading into it from the top, as an opening. On top of the object they also found strange stone circle formations, almost looking like small fireplaces. The stones were covered in something resembling soot.”

The media release goes on to note that the object sits at the end of what appears to be a 300-metre runway, like most mushrooms. Annoyingly, it doesn’t mention what was inside the egg-shaped hole, or if the team even bothered looking.

News for Youse will keep readers posted on this grand Scandinavian tease, largely to avoid thinking about the peak helium crisis and its shuddering impact on next year’s Car Free Day. Then there’s the matter of JFK, and the curious decision by the U.S. National Archives to withhold the release of some 1,100 classified CIA documents pertaining to the assassination in time for next year’s 50th anniversary—after promising in 2010 that it would.

About half of the files concern Lee Harvey Oswald’s damning trip to Mexico—when he cunningly changed shape into Modern Family star Ed O’Neill (a typical communist ploy). “But News for Youse,” we hear you cry. “Why should we give a figgy, impossible trajectory-shaped fuck about something that happened half a century ago?” No reason—although it seems apropos that we congratulate U.S. weapon makers on a record-breaking $50 billion in foreign sales last year. Who says we’re in a global recession?

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.