News for Youse: Two years later, Gulf of Mexico oil spill is still killing sea life

So, let's get in the ol' Wayback Machine and head to April 2010, an arguably simpler time. That unpronounceable volcano in Iceland was erupting. Pope Benedict XVI was dodging questions about the Catholic Church and child sex abuse. And the Gulf of Mexico was full of oil from a massive explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil platform, run by our dear pals at BP.

And even though every rascally conservative pundit and politician of the day promised by the hairs on their chiny chin chins that the spill was "natural" and claimed it would break up "naturally" and we were all being fucking alarmist over almost five million barrels of crude oil being dumped into the ocean, well… scientists have discovered that totally natural occurrence is destroying underwater coral. Under stressful situations, coral emit a snot-like goop to try to normalize the pH levels or whatever in their environment. Samples taken from 43 coral sites show that more than half of them have been affected, with up to 90 percent showing signs of "stress".

But oil. Pssh. Natural. We naturally pump it out of the natural earth in a completely natural fashion. And all these tar balls washing up on Alabama shores are totally natural too. It's called evolution, guys. Wait. Shit. No, evolution's a myth. It's called God's plan, y'all.

Quebec, we're so proud of you. Thousands of postsecondary students have walked out of class and are protesting across the province en masse. Why? Just the small matter of increasing tuition fees; over the next five years, Jean Charest's government has promised to double current fees to better match university fees across the country. Do they not have a school of economics in Quebec? Because raising prices in order for your business (because, let's face it: postsecondary education is nothing more than dollars and cents these days) to be more competitive is pretty much the dumbest thing we've ever heard.

Well, except for Rush Limbaugh claiming that oil spills were natural, but we've had two years to reconcile ourselves to that particular stupid remark.

Oh, by the way, we cured cancer. Well, a bunch of scientists came up with a way to shrink any and all tumors. Okay, and it's just in rats, but human trials are coming soon.

Hmm, we are doing a bad job of framing this monumental and life-saving announcement. It's actually kind of a game changer. Don't let our inability to feel happiness prevent you from getting excited about this.

Here's the paper if you understand that sort of thing. Which News for Youse does not. We really don't understand anything that isn't related to outrage, sarcasm, or Rush Limbaugh's unparalleled idiocy.


For more Wayback Machine fun, follow Miranda Nelson on Twitter.

Comments (2) Add New Comment
Mac
Correction -- it's 5 million BARRELS of crude, not gallons. Shoot, at this point, gallons would seem like a gift.
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Miranda Nelson
You know, I double-checked that and still got it wrong. How embarrassing :)

Lord Wikipedia estimates the spill dumped 210,000,000 U.S. gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. Gross.
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