News for Youse: U.K. auction house to sell Ronald Reagan's blood; get set for Republican supersoldiers
It's time to celebrate. A U.K. auction house is auctioning off a vial of what is purported to be Ronald Reagan's blood—and you know what that means: time to create some Reagan clones in our doomsday laboratory. PFC Auctions is auctioning off the vial—which was taken from the late president during an assassination attempt in 1981—in an online auction set to end on Thursday (May 24).
The current bid sits at £7,587, which seems a ridiculously small price to pay for access to your own batch of Republican supersoldiers.
Of course, the online auction site is also selling off a painting by Pete Doherty, done in his own blood. There are currently no bids on the £5,000 reserve "work of art", and we can't think of even one person who would be interested in cloning such a repellant human being. Wait, no, we thought of one. But we're pretty sure Courtney Love doesn't have access to that much quick cash.
What we're really hoping for, however, is some sort of Reagan-Bigfoot hybrid abomination to be engineered. Oh wait, we'll also need some Bigfoot DNA for that? Yep, scientists are on that as well. Oxford University and Switzerland’s Lausanne Museum of Zoology are partnering up to study some unidentified remains that may or may not belong to a sasquatch. Hey, how about we save everyone a few years and a few million dollars to tell you that sasquatches are not real and this is a bizarre waste of resources. Everyone knows Bigfoot is an elaborate myth perpetuated by teenage dudes with nothing better to do than make fake ape footprints and run around the woods in rubber costumes.
Everyone. Knows. That. Do not ask us for further intel about the sasquatch. We don't know anything, we swear. The government isn't demanding we cover up a single thing that we know about the gentle woodape. Because it's not real.
From the obvious-news-is-obvious file, a study earlier this month from Fairleigh Dickinson University has found that people who watch Fox News are indeed stupider than their NPR-listening counterparts. Okay, well, technically the study found that people watching partisan newscasts were less likely to be up on their current events and domestic affairs than people who didn't consume any news media at all.
Of course, people who regularly watched Fox News were unable to identify it as a biased news source, and claimed this scientific study was nothing more than codswallop from the propagandistic left-wing media—you know, the one that hates the unborn, doesn't understand why women keep complaining about equality, keeps furthering the homosexual agenda, wants to rip families asunder, and causes fire and brimstone to rain from the sky.
Where's Ronald Reagan when you need him?
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