News for Youse: We explain (eventually) why people steal iPads from other people in wheelchairs
News for Youse would like to endorse Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s words to reporters on Monday, regarding government plans to put the squeeze on useless eaters who refuse to work for a living. "I was brought up in a certain way,” he said. “There is no bad job, the only bad job is not having a job. I drove a taxi, I refereed hockey. You do what you have to do to make a living."
Mr. Flaherty’s statement will remind ex-Britons of vintage '80s U.K. employment secretary Norman Tebbit, who crankily told the country’s rapidly growing jobless in 1981 to “get on yer bike” and find work. Predictably, boringly even, the Thatcher government was harshly criticized at the time for its brave social reforms and total fealty to a doctrine of unregulated super-capitalism, but we all know what happened in the end, don’t we? That’s right—Meryl Streep won an Oscar for The Iron Lady. Just one more victory for the ongoing Conservative revolution, people. You can’t argue with success.
News for Youse has to choke back a tear as we gaze upon Mr. Flaherty’s wise face while images of cycling advocate Norman Tebbit pedal through our heads. We’re seeing a future, critically acclaimed performance by Brian Doyle Murray as Flaherty in the Oscar-winning Stephen Harper biopic of our dreams, with, naturally, comedian Matt Lucas revealing a hitherto untapped flair for straight drama as our soft-featured PM.
Anyway, attention all you lazy, jobless fuckers: why don’t you swallow your pride, stuff your stupid teacher’s degree up your fat ass, and go get a refereeing job or possibly a government cabinet appointment like everybody else until that position at Starbucks that you’ve been waiting for finally opens up? In other words—get on your bike!
One thing we should add is that you’ll need to memorize your SIN number while you’re out there, since we’re finally eradicating the little, plastic wallet buddy that's been issued to Canadians since 1964. The word from Human Resources Minister Diane Finley’s office is that the SIN card will be phased out in 2014 and replaced with an easy-to-lose paper letter printed on the back of a Chinese food flyer.
Eliminating the SIN card is predicted to save the taxpayer $30 million annually, or roughly one-tenth of the cost of implanting everybody with subcutaneous RFID chips when our security-forward majority government responds to the inevitable backlash caused by eliminating the SIN card.
Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, Oscar-winning screenwriter and probable CIA asset Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the script for the second of two slated Steve Jobs biopics. Sorkin is bringing his gift for laser-like dialogue and tense boardroom drama to that Walter Isaacson biography of the Apple founder that—far as we can tell from our time spent in airports and coffee shops—is the last remaining paper book on Earth.
The ongoing deification of Jobs is a stark demonstration of the man’s famed reality-distortion abilities, which persist even beyond the grave. And good thing, too, otherwise we might start connecting the dots between the blinding cultural elevation of weirdo quasi-sociopathic super-billionaire toy-inventors and a world in which kids go around stealing iPads from deaf women with cerebral palsy at the Metrotown SkyTrain station.