News for Youse: In which we stake our reputation on the authenticity of porno ghosts

Well, this story has it all. Click here to watch a video interview with a Euclid, Ohio grandmother whose encounters with ghosts include a creepy pic of somebody else’s reflection in a bathroom mirror (ick!) to a snapshot of two disincarnate horn dogs making with the fucky-fucky in her living room. Yes, you read that right.

Having studied the picture for some time now, News for Youse is impressed and maybe even a little aroused. In fact, we hereby stake our entire reputation on the authenticity of those dirty, thrusting porno ghosts.

In other sex news—Bieber. After going through puberty just yesterday, Biebs wasted no time in fathering a baby, baby, baby according to a woman in California who claims she was impregnated by the star during a brief backstage encounter.

Hey, what teenage superstar who’s perpetually surrounded by cameras, staff, management, press, and about a hundred other people wouldn’t risk it all for a quick no-condom bang on the way to the dressing room? Camp Bieber denies everything, but if News for Youse says it happened, then it happened. We’d like to congratulate Bieber on his super-fecundity .

Meanwhile, many miles away in a dark British courtroom, the persecution of Julian Assange continues apace. With 330 days of house arrest under his belt, the High Court has thrown out an appeal by the Wikileaks founder who now faces extradition to Sweden on what we like to call “trumped up” sexual assault allegations.

News for Youse looks forward to the curious silence of those regular commentors who leapt to the defence of an increasingly guilty-looking Herman Cain. Hopefully they’re busy getting their bullshit detectors recalibrated.

Somewhat related—in covering the High Court decision, the Guardian apparently went out of its way to track down, interview, and quote the least articulate Assange supporter they could find. Classy!

All this talk of sex and babies brings us to this story, from examiner.com, which states that a number of companies have entered the market for a genetic cheek swab “that will assess an athlete’s performance potential with a detailed report, enabling parents to decide whether their child is training for the right sport in the right way.”

In a nutshell, the swab will tell you if your brat is Sidney Crosby or if he’s a hopeless mong with two left feet who should have been drowned at birth. Hopefully this will create an ancillary market for swabs that will test whether or not you’re fit to be a parent in the first place.

Finally, the picture you see above is what ultrasound technicians saw when they scanned a growth on some poor guy’s testicle. “Doctors at Queen’s University thought they were going nuts when they saw what appeared to be the outline of a man’s face staring back at them in an ultrasound image of a tumour,” larffs the Star, geddit, GEDDIT? NUTS? “A 6 cm. growth turned out to be a benign tumour, the result of an infection, and the testicle was removed,” it says. Wow—can't say I'm too impressed with the punchline.