Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively—a timeline

1998-2001—Ryan Reynolds shoots to fame in the popular sitcom Two Girls, a Guy, and a Pizza Cup. The only son of ‘70s icon Burt, Reynolds uses the opportunity to lay sunny Burbank, California from one end to the other. Or so we’re assuming.

2002—It emerges that Reynolds is dating declining Canadian songbird Alanis Morissette. Not his fault—love is blind, and often quite convenient, but with 9/11 still fresh in everybody’s minds, news of this union is almost too much to bear. In any event, a short marriage lasting from 2004 to 2007 gives Morissette just enough time to come up with the material for her break-up album. This drives her career even further into oblivion, as planned.

2008—Reynolds moves on to Scarlett Johansson, by strict empirical measurement the one woman on the planet proven to make any heterosexual man dizzy with lust, and maybe even some gay ones. How Reynolds got from A to B remains a mystery, but the universe has a logic all its own, and the couple gets married within sniffing distance of BC’s finest herb, in Tofino.

2010—But it doesn’t last! Despite or maybe because of Reynolds' status throughout 2010 as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (previous winners include Nick Nolte and Matt Damon, whose eyes are also too close together), the couple file for divorce.

2010—Reynolds spends “time” with his “friend”: disgraced former American Sweetheart Sandra “Bullock”. The star of The Net and Speed 2 is in a career slump after failing to notice all the White Power tattoos covering every inch of former hubby Jesse James’ impressive Aryan body. In a race to rescue Bullock’s reputation, Reynolds is out-paced by an orphaned African baby. It’s a rare loss for the actor.

2011—Mike Usinger of the Georgia Straight pens this vile and tawdry article, embarrassing himself and the so-called newspaper he works for.

2012—Rumours swirl over Reynolds' latest conquest, with names such as Joan Collins, Selena Gomez, and Susan Boyle surfacing in the tabloids. With the ink barely dry on his divorce papers, Reynolds outfoxes everyone and ties the knot with his Green Lantern co-star Blake Lively. We’re not sure who she is exactly—and we even saw the film—but congratulations all the same.

2022—Accompanied by his 14th wife, Honey Boom-Boom, Reynolds is honored by the American Film Institute on the 20th anniversary of National Lampoon’s Van Wilder.

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.

Comments (7) Add New Comment
jonny .
I saw the movie, and I googled her, and I still dont even recognize her.
Rating: +2
John Lucas
I demand credit for that Two Girls... joke.
Rating: -5
Chantelle La Violette
Nice one JL
Rating: 0
Adrian Mack
Full credit! 'Two girls' came from the Lucas Laugh Factory, open 24 hours a day.
Rating: -1
Mr. Mack,
So much scholarly heft yet so much delicate poetry to this timeline. I breathlessly await the full-length book. And, may I suggest - a comparative timeline of the other Ryan aka the Gos, who also "spent time" with Ms. Bullock and is now frequently, suspiciously photographed with his ridiculously good-looking dog. One quibble, however: I prefer to think of all parties discussed as having "finely set" eyes.
Rating: +4
love is blind
He was only engaged to Alanis, they never married.
Rating: +1
Adrian Mack
Only in real life, love is blind
Rating: -2
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