Sinead O'Connor wants YOU to pork her in the pooper
Because old pictures—or, for that matter, golden-era-of-MTV videos—don’t lie, there’s no point trying to deny that, in her time, Sinead O’Connor was one of the hottest pop stars on the planet. It didn’t even matter that she was bald; that somehow, again impossible odds, only added to her appeal.
The video for “I Want Your Hands On Me”? Hot. In fact, here's proof.
That video for that Prince song where she starts shedding big salty tears out her gorgeously wide eyes while stomping around some fog-shrouded park in a vampire cloak and army boots? Impossibly hot.
Then came the, um, difficult years, where O’Connor was ripping up pictures of the Pope and enlisting as a minister in the Irish Orthodox Catholic and Apostolic Church. Because—unless you’re talking Lindsay Lohan—no one wants to get it on with a crazy lady, suddenly her sex-symbol status went straight down the shitter.
And speaking of shitters, that brings us back to O’Connor, who recently decided she was tired of being celibate and ready for some good old-fashioned fucking. Not only that, she’s pretty much up for everything, insisting that whoever she hooks up with has no problem using the tradesman’s entrance. Whenever possible. That’s right, she not only is happy to be porked up the pooper, she demands it.
On her website, O’Connor made a delightfully graphic list of what turns her crank now that she is in deep need of “a very sweet, sex-starved man”. (Potential suitors who have responded to the call are being listed on her Twitter account.) Sorry fellas, if you don’t do stubble, and are named Brian or Nigel, you are automatically out of the running. If, however, you are interested in helping the whatever-her-occupation-is-these-days 44-year-old get down and dirty, you must be into anal, porking whenever possible, anal, violating oneself with bananas, and anal.
Here’s O’Connor’s full list of what she’s looking for in a friends-with-benefits relationship. (Godspeed, and good luck if you think that you are up for the job, especially if you live in a house with a bunny and a giant soup-stock pot):
1. "Saturday night. Every ugly bitch in the world is gettin' porked but me. : ( "
2. "I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear ... Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex ... yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown' ... Don't apply."
3. "I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don't yet own a truck but I'm beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab's whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can't say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine."
4. "Dave Chapelle is my dream man. Can u find out if he's single and likes the backdoor?"
5. "What I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing."
6. "My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners."
7. "I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered."
8. "On this day last week I had 3 followers on twitter. since I mentioned anal sex I have almost 2000!"
9. "I have a hot date with a banana"