Sinead O'Connor wants YOU to pork her in the pooper

Because old pictures—or, for that matter, golden-era-of-MTV videos—don’t lie, there’s no point trying to deny that, in her time, Sinead O’Connor was one of the hottest pop stars on the planet. It didn’t even matter that she was bald; that somehow, again impossible odds, only added to her appeal.

The video for “I Want Your Hands On Me”? Hot. In fact, here's proof.

That video for that Prince song where she starts shedding big salty tears out her gorgeously wide eyes while stomping around some fog-shrouded park in a vampire cloak and army boots? Impossibly hot.

Then came the, um, difficult years, where O’Connor was ripping up pictures of the Pope and enlisting as a minister in the Irish Orthodox Catholic and Apostolic Church. Because—unless you’re talking Lindsay Lohan—no one wants to get it on with a crazy lady, suddenly her sex-symbol status went straight down the shitter.

And speaking of shitters, that brings us back to O’Connor, who recently decided she was tired of being celibate and ready for some good old-fashioned fucking. Not only that, she’s pretty much up for everything, insisting that whoever she hooks up with has no problem using the tradesman’s entrance. Whenever possible. That’s right, she not only is happy to be porked up the pooper, she demands it.

On her website, O’Connor made a delightfully graphic list of what turns her crank now that she is in deep need of “a very sweet, sex-starved man”. (Potential suitors who have responded to the call are being listed on her Twitter account.) Sorry fellas, if you don’t do stubble, and are named Brian or Nigel, you are automatically out of the running. If, however, you are interested in helping the whatever-her-occupation-is-these-days 44-year-old get down and dirty, you must be into anal, porking whenever possible, anal, violating oneself with bananas, and anal.

Here’s O’Connor’s full list of what she’s looking for in a friends-with-benefits relationship. (Godspeed, and good luck if you think that you are up for the job, especially if you live in a house with a bunny and a giant soup-stock pot):

1. "Saturday night. Every ugly bitch in the world is gettin' porked but me. : ( "

2. "I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear ... Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex ... yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown' ... Don't apply."

3. "I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don't yet own a truck but I'm beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab's whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can't say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine."

4. "Dave Chapelle is my dream man. Can u find out if he's single and likes the backdoor?"

5. "What I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing."

6. "My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners."

7. "I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered."

8. "On this day last week I had 3 followers on twitter. since I mentioned anal sex I have almost 2000!"

9. "I have a hot date with a banana"

Comments (19) Add New Comment
Rick H
My eyes. It burns!
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james green
This is obscene. Period. Who is your editor?
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Mark Fornataro
James G.-Things such as violence and bigotry are obscene as is prudishness about sex; this is the 21stC and this piece is not obscene. Besides, today's editor is the Right Honorable Dan Savage.
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Pat Crowe
well then...I always knew she wasn't crazy.
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L'il Stevie
obscene, oh james... a rihanna video is more obsence.
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Sheep
fuck me :)
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Gregory L. Robinson
Sinead, you beautiful, wonderful human! Humour, chutzpah, guts! Too bad Henry Miller was a century or so too old, you two would have been a perfect couple.
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miguel
She doesn't beat around the bush.
Miguel
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sleepswithangels
I wouldn't touch her 43 year old pooper with a 10 inch pole....unless I was as drunk as pooper porking Oirishman.
SMBs
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GOT
haha! jaysus murphy call the doctor!
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James G
Can I just say here, for one moment, that I post under the name James G because that is my name and although it is similar to James Green and perhaps to Jim Green that one is not the other and the other is yet another? Had I thought when choosing a nom de plume there would be confusion on this scale I would have been more obtuse. As for anal sex, I can get you sworn testimony from far too many that I have nothing against that.
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uknow
I found the story very amusing. Thanks for the laugh.
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james green
We have lost our standards of conduct and is merely illustrates my point.
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Prude Green
Boo! James Green prude!! Don't read the straight if you don't want to know what adults are talking about. Now go read your bible!
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Point of Order
Someone got her phone number?
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greggron
Only saw her once in concert back in the '90's. She was blatantly hostile to the male gender back then. Funny, she's begging for the sausage now. I guess man-hating feminism leaves much to be desired.
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Abe Stinkin
Funny she even makes a list of demands about the kind of man she's seeking! Excuse me, Sinead, but have you looked into a mirror recently? Because if you did, you might realize that you are in no position to make ANY kinds of demands on men. You should thank your LUCKY FUCKING STARS if you get a homeless, piss-stained BUM to stick it in your distended flabby sowhole.

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sloppy
Now I know why she starts crying in the video....
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Desertcelt5
As a J.P. Donleavy character once explained the Irish Catholic woman's view of anal:

"It's so much less a sin that way."
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