Confessions

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Flashbacks

Sometimes I get these intense flashbacks. I've had a tough time letting go of you and I think that this may be part of the reason. The flashbacks and dreams are extreme even though it's been over 6 years. I can feel you pressing up against me, your lips on mine, you whispering in my ear and my whole body reacts. Most of the time it comes out of nowhere when I'm doing something meaningless that does not take any focus. I think I need to do some research on how to rid myself of flashbacks. Even if they are good, it's not productive or helpful to me. Any tips?

universed out

at what point do you give in to the universe hating you and just stop trying to make life better? I live in the shit now. This is my life. No more optimism. It won't get better. In fact, it is entirely likely it will get much, much worse.

Failed Friendship

We had a wonderful friendship when we worked together. Then you had the kids and quit working and I'm not sure what I could have done or said to turn you off me, but your treatment of me is shit and I don't get it. I'm over the loss of our friendship, but I do wish I understood why there is a lack of response when I reach out (which I'm done with, btw). Courtesy and acknowledgement are great skills to teach kids- or are you raising them to be as rude as you've become?

I love sex

I confess I love sex. I am a 55 year old woman and my sex life has not ever been better. Thank you Plenty of Fish...

Write off

Water can opened in my sling & Passport got soaked! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

beach tart

The sound of your flip flops smacking away, is like the sound you make chewing gum with your mouth open.

a confession about 'guilty consciousness'

picturing ourselves as being in the position and body and circumstances of another person we are interacting with or 'judging' or 'commenting on' whatever the intention may be ('good' or 'bad'), we can easier see the harm to our own conscience we are causing if we belittle or cut down or cause any type of abusive harm to them, due to accumulation of guilt in our own being. Solution: do and say and intend unto others what you would like others to do and say and intend upon you. Thus, if we think and act and intend out of kindness and compassion towards others (no matter who the are), we will minimize our own accumulation of guilt in our being over our lifetime :) i hope this makes sense: kindness to others is win-win for ourselves and others, because if we hurt others then we are hurting ourselves indirectly; and the price for us to pay for causing pain and harm verbally/physically/emotionally/sexually/ psychologically/mentally to 'others' will be apparent and manifested in our life in some shape or form. Even if the accumulated guilt is 'invisible' to us, the unconscious negative behaviours we express (eg. anger, irritability, impatience, drug use, addictions, insomnia, etc.) will reveal the hurt we are carrying because of the harm we did to others in our past. Forgiveness of ourselves regularly is key in changing our ways over time to that of being more and more kind, such that we ourselves live in more contentment and peaceful and healthy, prosperous lives without the need to harm others :) ... this is a perspective that i hope makes sense

It's work

I go to work for predominantly the paycheque. The people are really lacking. I look for some nugget of goodness and I found it in one of my immediate team. The rest are all completely introverted and best suited to work from home and not in the office with other humans. Then you have the colleagues that have a conversational range of 2 notes: vacation and the next stat holiday. Vacating their life is the most joyous thing to them. I miss my colleagues of years past, where I would wander into the coffee room, and these guys were laughing hysterically. They could talk about anything and we'd end up cracking up and felt like we didn't want to leave the coffee room. Didn't want the lunch time to end. Fast forward to now, and if I'm in the same room with these people, who literally make zero eye contact and want to be invisible, every second is too long being near them. I tried with these people: asking about their kids, asking how was their weekend, how are they feeling since they were sick, giving them genuine compliments… but they are conversational black holes. I totally miss the hilarious random shit that I used to talk about with the old crew. I realize now how much those guys shared: their thoughts, their reactions, their perceptions. My current colleagues are the emotional equivalent of a clenched sphincter. So… biweekly direct deposit it is.

"Suddenly naked in public" dreams.

I'm a 52 yr. old man, and I haven't had dreams like that since I was a teenager. I was very socially awkward back then and was always trying to fake being cool, when I felt anything but. It was my standard adolescent nightmare. Last night, I dreamed that I was taking a nap on my livingroom couch, only to wake up with my couch positioned in the middle of a huge restaurant in England, hundreds of diners all around me. I wasn't just naked, but sexually aroused as well... I got up and, with my hands covering my genitals, started looking for an exit. I couldn't find one. The diners were all very snooty and looked at me with extreme disgust. At one point I said "I'm so sorry, I'm from Canada, I just got here..." I then started panicking, and abruptly woke up, with my heart pounding so hard I thought I was having a heart attack! It made me wonder about that line you often see in obituaries, that the person "died peacefully in their sleep"..... How would anybody actually know if it was peaceful for them?? For all they know, the deceased was having some horrible "naked in public" nightmare, and their heart gave out because of it!!

City Life

I remember when I lived in smalltown BC. Buying your firewood for the winter was a big expenditure. Here in the city, not a day goes by where I'm not pulling out my wallet left right and center for anything and everything. I guess I wouldn't be able to do the work that I do in the woods, but sure do miss that life.

Nothing to Offer

I have never been in a relationship. I don't blame anybody or have any resentments though, its nobody's fault. I don't bother approaching anyone or going on dating sites because, when I think about it, I really have nothing to offer. I'm not being self-deprecating or anything, I'm telling the truth. I'm a boring person with no real personality or conversation skills. I go to work, come home, and watch the news as I eat my dinner. I might go online for a bit to read some articles or whatever, and then I go to bed. That's what my life is like. I don't go anywhere or do anything. But I'm OK with that. I've never been to a club, and I don't have the money to travel. It seems to me that all the single people are looking for someone who wants to go climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with them on the weekend while squeezing in clubbing in Ibiza. Or, at the very least, skiing in Whistler, doing the Grouse grind and getting dinner at Cioppino's. But I'm happy just watching Youtube videos with some nice soup. All that other stuff just sounds like an expensive pain in the ass to me. I wouldn't be into it even if I could afford it. It's too bad nobody likes to just have a beer on a patio somewhere and just hang out. C'est la vie.

i confess

I guess I shouldn't watch what I watch. A few years I was watching a reality police TV show. The  thing that attracted me to it was how pathetic the reasons were for murder. Some dude owed some other dude $20 worth of weed and took two days too long, so bam. Honestly it just seemed like these gun owners were dying for a reason to shoot someone else. But then there was a show where the detectives were fishing garbage bags out of a lake and the cops says " I've seen this before, some people's lives end like they do in horror movies. It happens a lot" The cop then goes on to speculate what someone would have to do to deserve this fate. They list four or five things then suggest it could be nothing at all. The reason this stuck with me was the five things the cop listed were all things you have done to me. All five, not one, two or three of the hideously grotesque things, all five.

I Don't get it

If I date I'm all in. When it's love we both are all in. We commit and we do what a committed couple do. We have a family and we love through the ups and downs. We work hard and we love. I don't get how people can go along for years with successive partners. After the first one eventually doesn't work, when you love and realize what it is that you really desire and vise-versa, you have the information to know yourself and to avoid what is not right for you. You need to feel at least as invested as the first one else you are compromising. Compromising for status as a general rule. Which is to compromise my integrity. For great sex (that comes with a power or status imbalance) and dramatic thrill rides people ride and abuse relationships for their own gain. One after the other. I don't get it. Are we really capable of this sort of intentional blindness which, unlike naive blindness, purposefully distorts a relationship picture in order to satisfy ones own cheap thrills? That sounds like the way to being spiritually lost forever. Am I missing something? As far as I'm concerned I just don't get it.

Business Plan

This flat crust pizza thing seems like a great way to charge twice as much money for half as much ingredients.

Gonna have to dump him

My gut tells me that something isn't working with me and the bf. My gut also tells me there will be 2 more single gays on the rebound over Pride.

I SAW YOU

Awkward Road Rage in the West End

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