posted Tuesday, September 30, 2014 at 9:24pm
I've been wondering a lot lately what it would be like to be in a relationship, something I haven't even allowed myself to think about for years because it seems so impossible for me. I'm nearly 30 and they only relationship I've ever had was fleeting when I was just out of high school. I also grew up a witness to domestic abuse and the target of a great deal of verbal, psychological and some physical abuse (though not nearly as frequent as the absolutely constant verbal and mental abuse, but the threat of it was often felt).
To me, I often can't fathom love being real, at least in terms of it being directed towards or shared with me. I think everyone else deserves love, and I hope they find it. I'm truly happy for those who have, but I just wonder if I should make some firm decision to not bother looking or even hoping (daydreaming, really - let's be honest) for any such thing in my life, so I don't have to feel so bad when it never materializes and I die alone. When I see pictures or scenes in movies or on tv of weddings, I can't help but think, "That's nice. I wonder what it must be like to know that's real? It's certainly something I have no hope of ever experiencing."
I know it's not "right" to need a relationship, and I don't think one would complete me or anything like that, but I do think a lot of things would be easier, or certainly more enjoyable if I had someone to share even some of my time with - to hold my hand, kiss my forehead, call just because, reassure me when the world seems too scary (or things go bump in the night), go away for the weekend, sit quietly reading next to one another. I've never even shared a bed with someone two nights in a row. I feel like if I haven't managed to have a relationship by now, there isn't much chance that I'll ever be able to give it a try.