posted Friday, March 7, 2014 at 11:25pm
I've spent more than half of my life with one kind of eating disorder or another. I'm in recovery, but I'm struggling to push past this point in my journey and I'm unsure of how to REALLY move on. I'm more focused on getting physically strong, eat a much wider variety of foods, and from the outside, you wouldn't be able to tell that I've ever had this problem. But I still spend too much time thinking about it. It no longer consumes me, but when I'm being honest with myself, I know that my patterns are still not "normal" and that this is holding me back from the person I want to be.
I think my shift in focus to strength training and good nutrition has helped a lot, but I know that in a way, it has also been a way to hide under the guise of being "healthy." I see it all around me - women who once had eating disorders who have now become fitness models with rigid diet and exercise schedules. I'm not to that extreme at all because I know that will send me flying right back into the thick of the illness. I almost always order the same thing when I eat out, and while I've gotten used to it, I'd love to be able to enjoy an indulgent meal from time to time without the aftermath of guilt and anxiety. But gaining weight sets my head off and the thoughts get out of control, so I avoid that by staying in this in-between state of recovery. I'm afraid of the moderation approach because I did go through years where I went from being anorexic to binge eating. To put this in perspective, my lowest weight (78 lbs. and hospitalized) is less than half of my highest weight (190 lbs.) So the fear of gaining weight out of control is very real as it has actually happened before. I've been stable within the same 10lbs. for about 3 years now, but being on the top end of that 10lbs. already sets those shitty thoughts off like crazy.
How do I move on with my life if I am just stuck here? I want to travel, go out and be social, and order whatever I want to eat. To enjoy it without guilt, and to not either feel deprived, or do the opposite and stuffitalldownasfastasican. I am much happier than I have been since I was a little kid. But I know that I'm not where I want to be and that I want to move forward and on with my life. I want to one day be a good role model to my children, especially if I have a daughter, or just to younger girls in general.
I don't want to subscribe to the "Fit is the new skinny" or "Nothing tastes as good as being thin" camp. I don't want to eat diet foods that are pumped full of aspartame, take workout/diet supplements with awful things like ephedrine, and workout for hours every day, advertising to the world about how "healthy" I am. I realize that while I could "look good" on the outside, my insides would just be rotten and become a breading ground for disease. I see that too often these days and it is really perpetuating the unrealistic ideal that so many women have subscribed to.
It has taken me so long to get here and I really am grateful to be where I am now. But, I'm also tired of the struggle and I just want to be truly FREE.