SONIC AVENUES GIG
I was just about to get into a cab and noticed you standing by your-self. you seemed to be having a rough night and I offered to buy you a drink. you asked for a kronenbourg. I...
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I'm in love with you, and I am afraid of how much I need you. I am not good with controlling my emotions or letting them go entirely. I need some stability right now and what we have is completely unstable. I can't keep going on this way. The heartache this causes outweighs the amount of excitement it brings. I can't anymore.
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hmm
Sooo you're breaking up with your partner?
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sometimes
People are unstable because they don't have the supports that are assumed to be there for everyone. They go it alone because they have to & unreliable people don't provide stability anyway so...they fall apart sometimes & no one's got their back so they lose their balance fall but they get up & regain it again. Maybe they just need time, a break, to break, the monotony & build something new, hopefully stronger, more stable in the long-run but there isn't always time for that. People don't have time. Time runs out. Time keeps passing & I keep failing to keep up but I'm alone so I can fall by the wayside & the others go on without noticing much. They have their responsibilities, their daily schedules with others built into them. No one depends on me so I can slip through the cracks mostly unnoticed, maybe they'd in a week or so but no one is part of my daily life like that so... I can keep going alone, I've been doing that so long now that's all there seems to be for me, not sure why I even bother. I'd be much more motivated to get up in the morning with other people there, to have breakfast with. I'd even make it for them. I rarely bother to do that when it's just me but once in a while you've gotta treat yourself I guess. 'Go love yourself'. I have a jacket collar that says that but I always see it as a play on go fuck yourself...guess that's a bit harsh but funny too. People always say that you can never love another person unless you love yourself first but it's not that you can't, you just won't let them love you...push them away & they'll find something else. Someone who doesn't push them away. But there are extremes of those too who just need to be loved all the time & demand it too like they are more deserving than others. Maybe they are if they believe themselves to be deserving. I don't have those kind of expectations. I don't think of it as a given, a need, just a bonus but people believe it's the norm, that there's someone out there for everyone. I'm not so sure.
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Check yourself before you wreck yourself
Why is it so unstable? Stop, and take a good long hard look at yourself. Ask yourself what you've been doing to help the situation. Ask what you've been doing to contribute to the unstability. It's usually something that can be fixed, but only if you really want it, and are willing to put in real effort.
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it's instability
not unstability
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whatever
you still got the point didn't you?
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somewhat
they're putting me on lithium for support, mineral support, life support, because human ones aren't reliable, pour some salt in those wounds so you don't get all wound up in yourself, spending too much time by yourself, i can't hear myself think, i don't want to hear these thoughts anymore, i know them already, need other thoughts, other people's voices to distract me from myself, i'm sick of myself, but my self is always wherever i go, can't get rid of it, well, i could technically but i don't want to cause any trauma/drama for others not that they'd notice, they're too busy with their own thoughts,self-destructive behaviour is discouraged but BS me & say people aren't all that way sometimes, it's true, i should learn to be more selfish & self-centred, centre myself as the centre of my universe & enjoy it but i don't it's not my nature but it's the only way to survive & thrive in this world, i'm better with others, not as much to myself, they keep me in check, but i need to check myself & i do usually, i have a lot of self-restraint/self-discipline, all that shit, but once in a while i just stop giving a shit anymore & let it all go by the wayside, let myself go, need to break the rut, break the cycle hopefully without breaking myself, i need a break from things to do that but there are no breaks in life, gotta keep up with the pace, people are always rushing you, i don't wanna get caught up in the crowds, i hate crowds, i feel out of control in a crowd, like they control me, forcing me where i don't wanna go or not so fast anyway
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@somewhat
That was an interesting poem of sorts. I liked it. You should consider song writing, I'm not joking.
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it's called hypomania, lithium should fix that up, salt is healing
not writing ability, the words have their way with me, i don't really have my way with them, i am their vessel, a channel they get forced through, they are a force to be reckoned with, the words, they have a life of their own & take over mine in this state, it's like they're amplified & screaming at me & no one can relate or follow because i need to slow my roll, slow down & clarify the connections that are so clear to me but maybe too abstract for others, hidden in the words, it's just word play, words fit & flow into one another, i deconstruct & reconstruct them, arrange them in a different order, reorder them into a pattern they might like to be in, like puzzle pieces, puzzling, isn't it? I don't know what they want me to do with them but I submit & subject myself, let myself get taken away by them
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