Feeling Ugly

posted April 16th, 2014 at 8:59 PM

I'm 26. In high school, despite being sort of on the social fringes, I had a reputation for being really attractive. For years dealing with the leers and come-ons and sexual harrassment at work were huge problems and I kept my head down just to ignore all the honks and cat calls and crap that made me feel more self-conscious of my body than anything. Now, I've stopped wearing makeup. I cut my hair short (like, all of it) a few years ago in a roundabout way to end the objectification, and still haven't let it grow out. I've gained a few pounds... and I'm thrilled at not having to deal with the objectification (it makes you feel super unsafe and really dirty about yourself when everyone treats you like fantasy fodder.) That's great. But with those couples of pounds.. the way my face changes as I age.. I just feel ugly. Now I walk around in my fit-in baggy clothing, hoping no one will notice me because I just feel super unattractive, not put together, not pretty at all. It sucks. I hate it both ways. I want my middle ground of happy lean strength back, and have lost it to years of sluggish university. Back to the gym with me!

14 Comments

the veteran

Apr 17, 2014 at 1:05am

I spent my whole life doing this dance--from hiding from leering attention to feeling really ugly. Little in between. I'm 42 now and still have to do this. But if I could go back and do it all over again, I would spend A LOT less time dwelling on my perceived physical flaws. I'm almost certain that you are still gorgeous, but have just temporarily lost sight of that. Go look in the mirror. See for yourself. And here's another secret: The beauty of being who you truly are can grow and continue to radiate as you age. If you can't believe you are beautiful now (and worthy of love, respect, etc.) then the harassing men are a symptom of something deeper. Good luck, friend. I feel for you!

therobotmonster

Apr 17, 2014 at 5:11am

What you do in the kitchen will have a much greater effect on your health and appearance than what you do in the gym. But in my opinion your post is a deeper question of self love, and has very little to do with how you look. I don't have the answers. Peace.

A real man's perspective

Apr 17, 2014 at 6:51am

Admittedly, guys are not the most discreet admirers of beauty, but your response has been a bit extreme don't you think¿ Instead of focusing on the negative feelings and hiding your blessings, perhaps being grateful and counting them, would be a mode appropriate response. You could've been born without the gift of physical beauty, then what¿

My suggestion to you is this: Stop squandering your blessing of beauty and get back into shape. Stop complaing and feel good about yourself. Dress in clothing which flatters your figure, not flaunts it. Treat the excessive attention you receive with a good-natured sense of humour and get on with your life. Rest assured the Universe will provide the opportunities for you to meet the man/woman who will see you for all your beauty, inside and out.

I'll look forward to seeing and hopefully meeting you when you're ready.

inner peace

Apr 17, 2014 at 9:07am

stop worrying what others see and be happy with yourself, that's gonna make you the most happy

Good Move

Apr 17, 2014 at 9:40am

On getting back into the gym, or any form of exercise. You'll feel psychologically much better. About the rest...they're your looks. My advice,
use them before you completely lose them.

Kick ass

Apr 17, 2014 at 11:23am

Take a martial arts class so you can get in shape and still have the confidence to kick the asses of those who leer at you.

Growing into yourself...

Apr 17, 2014 at 11:33am

I had male attention from a frightening age but I was also mocked for how I looked. Lots of attention both negative and positive but at the time it mostly felt negative as it made me feel like a target.

Decades later I have come to realize it's me... It's not just the way I look, but there is something compelling about me. I have no doubt there is something the same in you.

I had short hair... and things similar to what you described but not to repel anyone but to explore life through different external aspects of how other people saw me.

It's a multi-spectrum world so please make yourself as comfortable as you can in your own skin and go and explore it.

Also get fit because being old and broken would suck. It's not just the way you look it is having a good conditioned machine to transport your personality. Sexy is innate.

Best of luck on your journey into integrating your inner and outer selves and to growing into yourself.
It feels so good.

Men need to change...NOT WOMAN

Apr 17, 2014 at 3:15pm

I have dealt with this problem my whole life also. Did everything you have done. We need to teach men to stop this behavior. I am 47 years old and still deal with this every time I leave my house. I just came back from the store and was asked by two men for sex. Quit telling woman to change. When it's the men who needed too.

Wally

Apr 17, 2014 at 9:04pm

You only have a few years left to be a hot woman so get your shit together, get in shape and get out there. Enjoy it. Why do so many women go through this routine and waste their prime time? Soon enough you'll be old and you won't have a choice to be hot or not.

I hear you

Apr 17, 2014 at 9:36pm

I had very large breasts from age 15 to 23. I decided to have them made smaller. This choice I regret but also celebrate: I've had a very dynamic and multi-faceted career and been taken more seriously without them. I've become an athlete and am very strong. I also have massive (ugly) scars on my breasts and had a tough time breast feeding. I have NO boobs now! Here's the thing. We must release the stupid, shallow hold of 'what others think'. Vancouver is super 'Looky Lou'. Who cares what ANYONE thinks of how you look or who you are as a person? YOU choose how and who you love-including yourself. Just choose to love every fabulous part of you. xxoo