not the other woman
posted May 12th, 2014 at 8:02 PM
I have been seeing someone for about 3 yrs and we are very close and intimate. His "wife" and adult son live on another continent. He has not been with his wife for over 20 yrs and she has another boyfriend but they have not divorced for religious reasons. Recently, he was diagnosed with a serious illness and they have traveled here to see him. In the hospital, I was looked at like an outsider as if I don't belong there. Now that he is home, they are staying there. The vibe is that I am not welcome. They have taken away his phone and computer. He is in quite a confused state due to the illness. I really want to see him as I don't know how much he will recover. (We are seniors.) I have gone over a couple of times but they have not answered the door. Should I back off and stay away or should I try to visit?
ps. I realize this is not really a confession. I am just at a loss as to what would be the proper thing to do as they are his real family. Also I guess a warning to others who might someday find themselves in this situation.
7 Comments
Post a CommentIt's what happens
May 12, 2014 at 10:29pm
You should do what you want to do, but the real lesson here if you are looking for one is that a person can never get on with another relationship until their last one is over, completely over, no strings attached, no religious issues...nothing, it has to be over. Had that been done, you wouldn't be asking yourself these difficult questions in this difficult time.
About all you can do is ask your friend if and when he would like you to visit him and then do that. I hope all goes well for you.
The Baby Jesus
May 12, 2014 at 10:31pm
You are seniors. You do not need to look to anyone or anything for approval. Not any more. You are not doing anything even remotely questionable. So, don't question yourself. Lady (I assume you're female), if they have a problem, it is exactly that - THEIRS. That is all there is to it.
cul de sac
May 13, 2014 at 8:43am
clearly a difficult and delicate situation. from the details you have provided, it seems like the correct thing to do is give the family their space. you clearly love this guy, but he has a long and complicated history with his family that should be respected.
RUK
May 13, 2014 at 10:06am
I think you did all you can do in terms of visiting him. You might or might not have a moral case to press for a visit, but if the result would be chaos and an argument, I am not sure that you would be providing a net benefit to the situation.
However, this is just part of your overall relationship - the final, sucky bit. You had the good times. You have to take the bad times in any real relationship, and this is the bad time.
Sucks that his family is not letting you in, it's strange that you are not accorded at least girlfriend status.
I cannot ask him
May 13, 2014 at 12:45pm
if he wants to see me. (Op here) I cannot reach him as his phone and computer are gone and they don't answer the door. I know he wants to see me as I was the main person in his life for a long time. If the window was open, I think I would sneak into the yard and put up a ladder. Frustrating! Thank you to all of the kind people who responded to the post.
wow
May 13, 2014 at 12:51pm
religion just cant stop rearing its ugly head wherever it goes eh!? WHEREVER it goes
Hepburn and Tracy.
May 13, 2014 at 2:04pm
Together for 26 years, he was separated, never divorced (Catholic). She stayed away from the funeral and all the rest after he passed... tragic. You are his love. Keep that in your heart and in your mind... keep trying. Gently, like a water drop, that can erode mountains.
I wish you strength and piece of mind, understanding and more strength.
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