Relationship Wonder

I've been wondering a lot lately what it would be like to be in a relationship, something I haven't even allowed myself to think about for years because it seems so impossible for me. I'm nearly 30 and they only relationship I've ever had was fleeting when I was just out of high school. I also grew up a witness to domestic abuse and the target of a great deal of verbal, psychological and some physical abuse (though not nearly as frequent as the absolutely constant verbal and mental abuse, but the threat of it was often felt). To me, I often can't fathom love being real, at least in terms of it being directed towards or shared with me. I think everyone else deserves love, and I hope they find it. I'm truly happy for those who have, but I just wonder if I should make some firm decision to not bother looking or even hoping (daydreaming, really - let's be honest) for any such thing in my life, so I don't have to feel so bad when it never materializes and I die alone. When I see pictures or scenes in movies or on tv of weddings, I can't help but think, "That's nice. I wonder what it must be like to know that's real? It's certainly something I have no hope of ever experiencing." I know it's not "right" to need a relationship, and I don't think one would complete me or anything like that, but I do think a lot of things would be easier, or certainly more enjoyable if I had someone to share even some of my time with - to hold my hand, kiss my forehead, call just because, reassure me when the world seems too scary (or things go bump in the night), go away for the weekend, sit quietly reading next to one another. I've never even shared a bed with someone two nights in a row. I feel like if I haven't managed to have a relationship by now, there isn't much chance that I'll ever be able to give it a try.

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Don't give up!

Sep 30, 2014 at 11:07pm

I grew up in similar circumstances, and never webbed to get married or live with someone. I dated assholes through my teens and 20's, and survived Rape (high school). All the while I thought that I was tough and living the independent life I wanted. In reality, I was scared and coping with the traumas. I went to counselling of and on, and in 2010 I met my current partner. He is just amazing and I can't imagine life without him. You can find love and be loved in a healthy way, but it takes a lot of work. Do you like a good challenge? :)

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Seek help

Oct 1, 2014 at 2:55am

You don't deserve to be lonely for the rest of your life. You have a number of issues that required professional intervention. Your confession reaffirms this fact even more. Get help.

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wow...

Oct 1, 2014 at 6:36am

I was going to write almost exactly what the poster above did. Almost word for word!

It's never to late, if you find the right person it will be worth it. Don't give up!

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Same here

Oct 1, 2014 at 7:35am

My parents' relationship was emotionally abusive, so I don't have good relationship role models, either. When I see good relationships in real life, I'm in total awe. Right now I feel like an American gal in the mid 1800's who keeps a picture of Paris in her bedroom and dreams about going there someday: I know it's real, I know it's out there, but it seems to far away, and the process of getting there seems so daunting.

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So

Oct 1, 2014 at 10:34am

you know you're not alone now. Yay! I, too, have survived excruciating and 'secretive' mental, physical and emotional abuse. (My mother was a nurse but also deeply disturbed and really pulled some major numbers on the girls in our family) I, too, find relationships scary and hard and have made some BIG mistakes. No need to give up. Some cognitive therapy will help. Breathing and focusing on release will also help. Maybe some Yoga or daily walking calmly? And knowing that you can be loved-adored, in fact-despite what you have lived before will help. We are ALL a Little Shop of Horrors to an extent underneath the veneer we use to cope. I send you love and hope and blessings to go smile at a stranger. Reading 'Women Who Love Too Much' as a woman changed my life. Might be a good choice so you can pick up on signs that would prevent a good 'fit'. If you have survived abuse, perceptual problems are pretty much inevitable, so you need to hone in on how to avoid those to make a good choice for real intimacy. Bless you, Sweetie. xo

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the good news

Oct 1, 2014 at 11:58am

is that you are young, still in your late 20's. Yes, you have some issues to work through from your past, but your whole life is ahead of you. I married at age 35. My 20's were not great. Lots of people have relationships at any age, even into their 70's, so there is lots of reason for hope and life in store for you. I found your post to be quite profound and you sound like a deep, aware, thoughtful person.

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Your beautiful

Oct 1, 2014 at 7:22pm

please don't let your self worth be affected by traumatic events, completely not of your own doing, earlier in your life affect your happiness in the future. You are still very young and best years of your life is still ahead of you. I know you are beautiful inside as well as on the outside.

I am 49yo male and I too grew up in abusive household although I believe my parents were well meaning. I was engaged long time ago but I never married. I never really tried to get married because I never saw happily married people when I grew up. I was accepted to elite colleges and financially well off but I know I made a mistake not seeking someone to love and be loved.

Please do not make the same mistake I have made. Having kids and having someone to grow old with is precious.

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