confused & miserable

posted October 29th, 2014 at 12:06 AM

Need i say more? Been married for 18 yrs. now. Love & lust is no longer part of our vocabulary or agenda. He goes to work, comes home and hardly talk or look at me. We started drifting apart in the last couple of years. We fight about trivial things more often but he never talk about the real problem, denying there's nothing wrong between us. I want to know what it's like to be loved and cherished by a real man. I can't just walk away. There are 2 kids in the picture and they are not oblivious to all the cover-up. I hate my life and I'm tired of pretending this is not driving me crazy. Sometimes i think being single is not so bad after all.

16 Comments

Other gender, similar problem

Oct 29, 2014 at 5:21am

I know how you feel 'crept I'm the man in a 23 year old relationship and my wife's problems stem from mental illness that while diagnosed and managed 2 decades ago isn't today (of course she thinks it is). I'm wanted to confirm, check and do the things she won't do but there is nothing for me in it - no intimacy (except when demanded by her and done only in her way), no support for me, no rest for me and worst of all no support for my near fatal illness 2 years ago. I too have 2 kids. She denies there's anything wrong - naturally it's me that's changed but she can't see how bad it's becoming. Marriage - nope I'm over that concept . I never ever ever will again commit myself to that level of commitment again. Sure it's great when it works but otherwise. Solo with some good friends will be the way I live out the rest of my life once my marriage is over...

Experience

Oct 29, 2014 at 8:07am

Staying "for the kids" is a cop out. The kids know what's up and they want you to be happy, not miserable. Ultimatum time, counselling or divorce and get on with making it better or being happy in a new way.

Single

Oct 29, 2014 at 8:49am

You are correct, being single is the best. I have been unmarried for my entire life. I just don't see the benefits of marriage. It's ancient propaganda.

DD

Oct 29, 2014 at 10:40am

"Ancient propaganda".... I love that! You only have one life to live (ugh) get out , the sooner the better! Your kids would want you to enjoy your life :-) Good luck to you, you can do this!

Oy Gevalt

Oct 29, 2014 at 10:44am

Having been married and divorced, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that marriage is a legally binding contract, not a pronouncement of love.

Single II

Oct 29, 2014 at 11:26am

Marriage is just a social habit, nothing more. As a society, we have this bad habit of getting married. Marriage was probably invented by a man, if you go back far enough. It's just a way to control women.

Unmarried

Oct 29, 2014 at 11:32am

I guess i get the marriage thing, it's an attractive idea if it all falls into place with just the right person, and stays good til death do you part... but what are the chances? From my 47 years of being around and witnessing the marriages of others, those chances are fickle!

I'm single. I have been in and out of relationships all my adult life with long stretches of being alone, being coupled, crazy dating sprees... right now, and for the last year, i have been alone. That is to say, without a partner. And it's fantastic. As was the relationship i was in prior, and the crazy dating year i had before that. It's all good!

I rarely feel 'lonely'. I crave sex and company and intimacy sometimes, but i also crave alone time and independence when i'm coupled. If being married is the extreme end of the spectrum, and being totally alone and withdrawn is the other, then my life, at least for me, represents the perfect middle ground.

Marrying for love (the modern definition of western marriage), is crazy in my opinion. Marrying for reasons of inter-familial ties, economic benefits, social status, companionship (the ancient motivations behind marriage)... makes far more sense. Countries with arranged marriages, for better or for worse, have much lower rates of divorce and higher rates of happiness within those arrangements!

Love is fickle. Locking yourself into a life long contract with someone based on such a volatile emotional state is a fools game. Better to commit to someone until that love runs its course, and move on.

PS i have wonderful friendships with many of my old lovers.

@oy gevalt

Oct 29, 2014 at 11:39am

yes!!! Marriage is a legal binding agreement and not a pronouncement of love..
@OP I am a single mom of two kids. Got out of a very bad relationship with my ex husband. I never felt loved, only contempt from him. And after a rocky and rough road paved with adjustment i can tell you that my children and I have never been happier..... A bad marriage is not good on the children or yourself.. There is happiness out there and you deserve some of that too......

The fix!

Oct 29, 2014 at 11:42am

Stop whining and do something! Did you get out of shape? Did you neglect yourself? Your looks? Did you neglect your husband? Did you stop having a relationship with him? I sense laziness and complacency. You'll carry that same attitude of failure to your next relationship. WAKE UP! Start living. Start now. Start tonight. Tell him. TELL HIM! And become what you want. It sounds like you lack the courage and conviction to love. Don't look for it in someone else. Bring it to the table. Fight for love. Or die trying.