I am totally stuck, and I never wanted to be here.

posted November 27th, 2014 at 1:32 AM

I'm a gay guy in his early thirties. I've been in a LTR for the better part of a decade. We're both around the same age. We live together. But the last few years have been really tough: he stopped wanting to have sex with me around 2009 or so, and in the intervening years, I've caught him (more than once) hooking up on other smartphone apps. When I catch him, he pleads flaw in character, and reminds me that if didn't have him, I would have a lower quality of life, despite the fact that I am intelligent, articulate and (I hope) worthwhile. So I put up with it, while retaining stupid self-imposed standards of not wanting to stray, meaning that, as a guy in his early thirties, I haven't had sex in almost six years. Somehow I have been taught to believe that this is my fault. His newest thing is body shaming; he is obsessed with body image and calls me fat all of the time, even though I'm completely average for a guy my age. This makes it really hard for me to relax around him. But I'm putting up with it, and hoping that things get better. One day, maybe he'll change. Other friends tell me that I'm smart, likeable, sexy and cuddle-worthy; maybe one day, he'll see, too. Maybe one day, I will believe it. We have nothing in common in terms of values (even though I have many of my own), and I am dying inside. I can't afford to move out, so I'm stuck here. What kills me most is that I think that these are a person's prime years, and I'm trapped and forced to languish them. My self-esteem is shot, I don't even know I'd handle intimacy if it came along at this point, and it is getting to the point where even basic life decisions terrify me. I am sinking. Please help.

22 Comments

It's called abuse

Nov 27, 2014 at 4:28am

Please get out. After you've left, the only thing you'll be sad about is that you wasted years with this guy. He's never going to change, why would he? He has absolutely no incentive to change, and he certainly doesn't love you. Life is too short to put up with garbage. You CAN leave, you owe it to yourself.

Lovely L.

Nov 27, 2014 at 5:02am

I wish I could heal your heart. I am not sure what HIS idea of a LTR is. I would ask. Aren't you suppose to feel "loved" in a relationship? Shouldn't a partnership be empowering instead of destructive?
Yet he has gone out of his way to make you feel unloved, not good enough ,shaking you self confidence to an all time low while making excuses for it. His toxic behaviour is what is actually giving you a lower quality of life. And his reasoning is very controlling.
If you had a lifestyle where you had less than whatever you have now and had to move, there's a very good chance you'd get yourself back and actually have more.
By more I am referring to self confidence, freedom, your dignity ,self esteem and your spirit.
You might also meet a better partner who would treat you like a human being instead what you are putting up with now.
What I do know is for sure is that you deserve better. You deserve to be respected, loved and adored.
Sorry you are hurting so much . I am sending you a big hug.

Julie

Nov 27, 2014 at 6:42am

DTMFA.

Self improvement.

Nov 27, 2014 at 6:43am

DTMFA!!!!!!

Get counselling, get tough and get out

Nov 27, 2014 at 7:06am

You're a grown man and you're being manipulated and oppressed. You need to talk to a professional to rearrange your thinking. You're not in an LTR, you're in a co-dependent mess of an abusive trap. He needs you to dump on - you're his dump. That's all you are to him. You are NOT being "forced" to "languish" - you are allowing it to happen! Begin behaving like a roommate until you can get out. Emotionally distance yourself from this controlling piece of shit NOW until you can leave, but leave SOON. Move out - you will survive a dip in your standard of living and it will make you stronger. "One day maybe he'll change" is not a motto to waste your life by. Because it's not going to happen. Man up, buddy, and take charge of yourself. Nobody else matters right now.

Zuzu Grace

Nov 27, 2014 at 7:21am

What the heck are you thinking?! Believe in yourself, and if it's not real belief, then fake it! Act like you believe yourself worthy and eventually you will be proud of yourself again. Sleep on a friend's couch till you figure something else out, but make a damn move!

Natty

Nov 27, 2014 at 7:40am

It sounds as though you recognize the relationship for what it is, but fear is holding you back. You have friends, they will support you. Asking for help isn't taking advantage.

Also, why do you have to be the one to move out? Tell your rotten boyfriend you've had enough of his BS and force him to go.

You've been together a long time, it will be hard at first. But the freedom that comes with the separation will be worth it in the long run.

You're in an abusive relationship.

Nov 27, 2014 at 7:48am

It's a shitty place to be, yet you don't have to stay there and from what you've written I think you know you don't have to stay.

But how to leave? Where to go? You need support, right?

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to contact HIM (Health Initiative for Men) for a start. If they can't provide you the support you need I know they will be able to point you in the right direction.

http://checkhimout.ca/about/contact-us/

OP, you don't need to do this alone. You're surrounded by people who have your best interest at heart - even people who don't know you (like me). You're being abused and your ability to function proactively is diminished. Please take that difficult step to reach out to a professional for some assistance.

Take care of yourself. You're worth it.