You get to decide who you want to be, now that you've grown up...some more.

Turning 50 comes with an identity crisis, just like turning 30 did, and you have to figure out, what now? Because you're not who you expected to be at 50. Each day is a new set of options. Sorry, no early checkout for you (penalties for early withdrawal, etc.).

I wouldn't know what it's like, but Deepak Chopra talked about it at some length in an audiobook that a friend was enjoying, so I caught a bit of it. Interesting idea. You may very well get to live to 90 or older. You'd best begin sorting out how you're going to occupy yourself for the next 40+ years.

If you happen to die early in the meantime, because of a personal (or larger-scale) extinction event, this will no longer be a concern. My personal opinion, based on the very cyclical nature of this universe, is that there is no shortcut out of here. I might have to come back, and life may suck far, far worse next time around.

A 20-year-old relative was just diagnosed with a very rare blood cancer. My personal genetic ancestry seems to be free of such demons, so my life is a dream, by comparison.

This time, it's not so bad. I'll ride this thing out, see where it takes me. Maybe to other continents, into the oceans, or even off-planet altogether. I already moved halfway around the world so far in my life. I'll stay alive just out of curiosity, to see what happens next.

Maybe you should try that. A change of venue may be good for you, and snap you out of your misery.

If you're so bummed with your life and you insist that you have no power over your situation (which is bollocks), then you have nothing to lose in just venturing off! I mean grabbing a backpack, take only the necessities, and fucking off to have a life adventure!!!

Frankly, who cares where. Go roam Nepal and live with monks for a year - then thumb your way to Romania and work on a farm for room and board - then hit the horn of Africa to volunteer your time and energy to better the lives of those who are TRULY worse off - then become a deck-hand on a tall ship!

Go do all of that for 10 years (call it your 50th b-day present to yourself), then come back and see how you feel. You need a kick in the pants and a new outlook. And doing something like that will surely make you see life differently - forever.

If life sucks THAT much for you, what do you have to lose!!? Question is... do you have the balls?

I'm 48 and can't wait to turn 50 - life is what you make it

I understand. And I know exactly what you're thinking and feeling. I have not much more to say than that...except that I thank you for sharing your thoughts, and that you are not alone.

Much love, for whatever it is worth. I GET IT. I am there myself.