Not all about sex but need to ask

I'm a 35 year old male and I have a hard time meeting women. It's not that I'm shy or don't know what to do, in fact I'm quite confident. When it comes to dating I like to think I'm a bit old school, I hold doors open and mind my manners, chew with my mouth closed and always have something to talk about. I'm good looking, have a stable job, stay fit and am genuinely fun to be around. My issue comes in the bedroom; I'm into swinging and BDSM. This isn't something that I thought would be cool, rather something that I discovered about myself after a few years of trying. Obviously I want my partner to be into this as well, not just "curious" about it. So I'm not sure at what moment to tell potential new partners. If I bring it up on the first date it sounds like I'm all about sex, but I don't want to wait too long in case things start to go well. I've tried to date women who weren't really into it but I found that the relationship suffered. So ladies, how can I bring this up early in the dating without seeming like all I think about is sex?

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stay single

Apr 26, 2015 at 8:21pm

or tell anyone you want to date, this is just casual.

swinging is a lifestyle, but unless you meet others in the "swingers and bdm circle, there is probably little chance it will become a full relationship. (rarely do 2 people from different sides stay commitment in these relationships for long)
so either meet in the community that also shares this lifestyle and find someone to start a relationship from it, or date casual, and always best tell on your first date.
otherwise you could be wasting the persons time as they will be perceiving a very different image of you, and not of your swinger bdm side.

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NB

Apr 26, 2015 at 8:35pm

Im a guy for context.

Everyone has a kink, and its never appropriate to bring it up on the first date. You need to get to know the person, communicate and then introduce them to it. Even if the girl is into it she would think you are strange bringing it up on a first date.

You need to have sex and build up to it. Ultimately if they arent into it you MUST move on, but you cant just be like "my favorite movie is Shawshank and i want you to watch me fuck other girls while I strangle you"

pump the brakes ;)

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L.L.

Apr 26, 2015 at 8:42pm

Focus on all of the non sexual related interests and hobbies for a start . Then maybe after a few dates when you both are more comfortable exploring other topics of conversation you can let her know that that is apart of your lifestyle.
Otherwise, bypass all that and find your dream girl in a swinging community .
You sound amazing and if I were dating you I would want to know before I became too emotionally invested since its for sure not an interest of mine.
Good luck. :)

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Funnily enough

Apr 26, 2015 at 9:39pm

I'm 50 and male - always been interested in BDSM, 3-somes (and more) etc. until recently I had never explored this side of my life. In a dying marriage (long story but believe me I tried) I startedlooking for social contact away from mutual friends and outside my normal circles. I wasn't looking to explore BDSM or even for sex (although being male there is always that thought lurking). Hell as an overweight 50 year old I thought the best I'd manage was a few drinking buddies. I stumbled on a Facebook group (won't share as I'm not from Vancouver and its for locals) where swinging, BDSM, bisexuality and a frank openness were perfectly normal. Much to my surprise I made friends, became an active part of the community, found my drinking buddies and even found some ladies who thought I was attractive (poor deranged souls). Moral of this story is its out there - might not be easy to find but it can be done!

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Shade

Apr 26, 2015 at 10:09pm

Tell them you're like the 50 Shades of Gray guy with a grin and see how they'll react.

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Have you tried

Apr 26, 2015 at 10:17pm

targeting potential partners who have an expressed interest in BDSM and swinging? Perhaps through online communities? It would seem like the chances of meeting someone randomly and having them be 100% on board with your sexual preferences (instead of just "curious", as you've put it) would be quite slim.

You seem like a bright guy who has already pondered the statistics, so if you'd rather leave it to random chance, I'd say BDSM is good "date three" conversation material.

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timing

Apr 26, 2015 at 10:44pm

Tell her before you sleep with her. I think she will feel misled and betrayed if she was expecting commitment/ monogamy was a possibility.

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Early 30s woman

Apr 27, 2015 at 7:07am

I am a woman and think you need to find someone who is in that lifestyle. I think you should have the discussion prior to having sex (I totally disagree with NB). If you follow NB's advice of pumping the brakes, you will likely leave the woman feeling deceived and running to get tested for sti. NB sounds creepy, like he is trying to groom his unsuspecting partner. Not good! For context, I am into bdsm and experimented with threesomes in my single days. You say that you want a partner who is definitely into it and not just experimenting. I think you definitely need to find a mature woman in the lifestyle who knows what she wants. Trying to groom a newcomer will likely lead to hurt feelings. Or you might end up with some woman who has no self esteem and goes along with it to please you but suffers emotionally. Please find someone who has already found herself and loves bdsm/swinging already. Then you can both be up front and happy.

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violetet

Apr 27, 2015 at 10:09am

4th date, you let them know on the fourth date, at least a bit and full disclosure on 8th date and then within 2 or 3 months your trying somethings. is that a good plan, some numbers without reason. use your intuition, but be sure to ask if they're into, don't assume that people aren't. some people just haven't explored it yet.

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Ed

Apr 27, 2015 at 10:18am

it would probably help if you were fabulously rich and drove around in helicopters like that Grey guy.

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