This sucks

I'm having the worst time of my life lately.. I can't seem to do anything right. My heart is in the right place but my actions keep coming out in steaming piles of shit. I'm not a bad person inside but it sure doesn't look that way. I've become a horrible alcoholic. I've been drunk for 33 days in a row.. I even went to work like this but luckily I work alone and no one has to see me but I work around chemicals and it's so fucking dangerous I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so lonely, my family's disowned me. I spend all my money or booze and cigarettes. I hate AA it annoys the shit out of me so as a personal choice that's not an option for me. I'm not looking for advice on the situation as I know exactly what I have to do, I just need to vent. It's a matter of following through with what I know is right.. I'm not a stupid person and I have to stop doing this to myself because it's so sad and wrong. I feel like I'm missing something in my life that can't be filled with having a boyfriend or loving parents / a pet. I think it's religion or something. I need to believe in something because I feel empty and am not sure how much longer I can do this. I'm scared that I won't be around much longer. I've always had a strange feeling that I will die young. The other day I picked out funeral songs for myself and made a note to my family not as a suicide note but for if something were to happen to me because of my risky behavior apologizing for what I've put them through and the stress I've caused them. I'm even bawling like a little bitch while writing this.. People are getting so sick of hearing me cry about my life because it's getting so old and say I blame my horrible childhood. I don't though, I take full responsibility for my adult actions. I'm not looking for sympathy but maybe a little empathy and a way out of this living nightmare. I think what's stopping me is paralyzed initiative and lack of desire. I am a human sloth.

10 Comments

Post a Comment

Well

May 23, 2015 at 2:06pm

if you are not a pimp or work in marketing and the like that tries to profit off of manipulating people than your on better half of human species so cheer up!

0 0Rating: 0

geeknomad

May 23, 2015 at 2:08pm

It's called a comfort zone mostly because it's familiar, not because it's always great. You're not uncomfortable enough yet.

Humans are change-averse to the point of agony. Most will remain in a hateful situation until it becomes completely unbearable, and will choose differently only when they feel there's nothing to lose.

Sounds like you're not ready to jump from your sinking ship. Wait long enough, and reality will push you. Usually an intensely unpleasant occasion, often taking the form of a crisis. From what you've described, an adverse health or safety event seems likely.

Good luck with your situation. Hope you sort it out, before it sorts you.

0 0Rating: 0

How old are you?

May 23, 2015 at 8:41pm

Life can be very daunting when you are young. In my twenties, I felt like this and was this. Time and experience will help you. Not religion, but direction. You said you know what to do, so do it. We all think we were going to die young! I'm now 50, married very many years and working at a job I like that will get me retirement. Meh, you don't know what tomorrow brings. I know that is so cliché, but very true. You won't feel like this forever....

0 0Rating: 0

USAGUY

May 23, 2015 at 10:58pm

Don't be so hard on yourself!

Go learn how to do yoga. Gentle yoga and maybe some hot yoga too for a good sweat out of all the "stuff"

0 0Rating: 0

talk to your doctor

May 24, 2015 at 10:43am

AA works for a lot of ppl but not everyone. A lot of alcoholics need medical help when they quit. Depending on your situation you may become ill trying to quit on your own.
Addiction is not about willpower.
Regardless of whether or not ppl agree it's an illness, it is most successfully treated as one.
I know several people in their 40s who are serious alcoholics; 2 have died.
Please get help.

0 0Rating: 0

Knowledge is Key

May 24, 2015 at 4:33pm

You are missing spirituality in your life and the connection to Source Energy. That why you feel empty. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, cleanse and exercise your body and learn how to meditate, or attend an Ayahuasca retreat for starters.. Your not going to come close to fufilling your life destiny this time around otherwise and will be back again going over similar miserable Life Lessons.

0 0Rating: 0

Wize Turtle

May 25, 2015 at 11:58am

You need to start with self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. Your alcoholism is a symptom, not the cause. Your are drinking because you are trying to self-soothe, and that is what people do when they are distressed. Let go of your past, start practicing self-compassion (there is extensive information available online on this subject), and you will know what your next step should be. Sending love.

0 0Rating: 0

Sad to admit...

May 26, 2015 at 7:52am

I still feel like you do, OP, and I am almost 40. I know what I need to do. I just don't care enough to do it. I can't relate to the 12 step regime but it might help you. And yes, I have had several events that, for most people, would be considered "rock bottom." I hope you can figure it out. Don't waste as much time as I have.

0 0Rating: 0

OP

May 26, 2015 at 11:00am

Hey guys... Thanks a lot for your kind words. I haven't drank for two days... Finally took a small break. It gave me a bit of an opportunity to think about what I'm going to do... The first step I think is definitely self compassion... I'm so hard on myself and beat the shit out of myself on the regular. How can I get better if I feel like I don't even deserve it. I'm finally feeling like I'm not dying from a hangover and ready to take small steps toward bettering myself. Very small steps, but at least steps in the right direction. Some magical power in the last couple of days seems to have given me the " desire " to do something good for a change. Thanks for the encouragement.

0 0Rating: 0

OP

May 26, 2015 at 11:01am

To " How old are you "

I'm 22

0 0Rating: 0

Join the Discussion

What's your name?