Failure?

posted June 28th, 2015 at 6:42 PM

I don't know if it's self-induced, but I am constantly under pressure and stressed out. I grew up in the suburbs and absolutely hated it there; couldn't wait to get out. I am considered the "black sheep" of my family because I moved to the city when I was 19, wanted to try everything, wanted to travel, have never been interested in a suburban life / house situation. Meanwhile, the rest of my family and siblings have done exactly that, staying in the suburbs and getting married and towing the family line. They all treat me like I'm from another planet, and it always feels like they are just WAITING for the day that I come 'round to their way of life. For Christ's sakes, all of them go on vacation together! My parents and their adult children. They wonder why on earth I can't afford such extravagant vacations, and even more, why I am utterly uninterested in whole-family vacations (being the black sheep means I also have really tenuous relationships with family members). Meanwhile, I have lived a very urban life and struggle for cash, like many, and have no car, which to me is wasteful and too expensive, and can mostly deal with this, except for the fact that I am constantly made to feel as though I am the fuckup; that I have made poor life decisions; that I am a failure because I am in my 30s, don't own a house, have no car (though I do have a university degree), and live cheque-to-cheque in a city that pays shit and costs so very much. I am bombarded chronically with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy because I do not fit into my family structure at all. Add to that a mother who is the most judgmental person I have ever known in my entire life. The end result is ongoing misery with the choices I've made, or who I just happen to be naturally. I guess I am a failure because I rent downtown, have no car, and just want to enjoy my day-to-day life. I am a failure because I don't have any assets or RRSPs and am just a failure in general. I have no idea how to get over, how to get over not fitting into my family structure. It's been this way forever, but now that I'm older, it's fucking my shit up really badly.

6 Comments

Lovely L.

Jun 29, 2015 at 8:55am

It's not you, it's them. You are living your life your way and it's tougher. Some of them probably have more problems in their mundane lives than they will ever let on. I imagine a couple may be a bit jealous that you broke the mould. Stay strong.

sky

Jun 29, 2015 at 9:58am

I think you should call a family meeting and explain to every one of them what you wrote here. Let them know you don't desire the kind of lives they lead and what you are doing makes you happy so you'd appreciate not being put down...It's always best to say things as they are...you might have already had this talk with them, if you have and they didn't listen maybe just avoid seeing/talking to them. Good luck.

Jenni sun

Jun 29, 2015 at 11:19am

Stay doing what makes u happy- but always leave yourself open , I believe there's a lady out there that would be perfectly happy living the non-chalant way. It seems to me, the only sadness u have is the fact that u have no one to share your life with , to be acceptable of your life and decisions- everybody in the world just wants to b accepted and know they are loved.-. Keep your head up you should be proud of yourself jennifer

who makes you feel that way?

Jun 29, 2015 at 11:19pm

cut 'em out. As long as you're happy with your life, you don't need to cater to anyone who makes you feel like less because you don't buy into, and don't follow, the bullshit facade.

From one failure to another

Jun 30, 2015 at 6:44am

I'm an entrepreneur, and a darned good one. Yet my family tells people that I "don't know what I want to do with my life" because I don't work in a cubicle for a tyrannical boss in a soulless company. By the way, unless you've opened their books, I doubt your siblings can actually "afford" those vacations. without your parents' help. I hope you have friends to cheer you on.