Au Revoir

I've come to consider friend's weddings and baby showers as funerals for our friendships. As I happen to be single and childless, they never contact me again. Next time I shack up with someone, I'm not going to forget who my friends are...

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Bruce

Jul 29, 2015 at 3:10pm

It works the other way as well. They come by a couple of times, completely fail to have any empathy, flake out on time commitments without realizing the new parent was scheduling them in for their only two hours of off time in weeks, are completely unsupportive and selfish and the new parents start to see their single friends as self-centered adolescents going on 40. NOT THAT I'M BITTER OR ANYTHING.

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take reins

Jul 29, 2015 at 3:24pm

What I've learned over the years is that after marriage and kids friendships start to take real work to maintain. Even if both former friends are married and have kids, some people just space out, probably due to being overwhelmed with the daily grind. They tend to lock themselves in a bubble, stay out of touch for months, and once close connections simply decay.

However, maintaining friendship is rewarding and if you truly value your newly married friends, you should put in the effort to keep the connection alive, at least with the few closest friends you have. You will not feel abandoned, and they will really appreciate the chance to escape the domestic routine once in a while. After a few years, they will come to realize that you're still in their inner circle, now much depleted, and will start pulling their weight again to keep the friendship going.

PS: I'm male, so maybe it's totally different for women, but I doubt it.

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OP

Jul 29, 2015 at 4:45pm

@take reins - yes I've heard of this phenomenon that in 5 years they will consider me the life of the party.
it's not so bad - I actually don't like being around kids, but I feel that it's lame of my friends to sign up for being P-whipped.

@Bruce , Nice Try- but I'm completely empathetic to know that the wife wants their man to themselves, and am extremely punctual - so it's been me who gets stood up because brat has the sniffles.

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Agreed

Jul 29, 2015 at 5:02pm

Its less about the kids and more about the policies of their failed relationship often driven by the wife, and followed by the mangina husbands.

Marriage and kids can be (normally are) friend and dream killers. Its only when the couples make a conscience decision to make life more then just about their marriage or kids.

Its sad people think all life has to offer is having children.

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@ Bruce

Jul 29, 2015 at 5:29pm

You can bitter if you want, that's ok. I buy guitar gears off guys like you that have chosen breeding over their hobbies.
Besides, everyone knows that you don't get laid once you're married.

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Abandoned friend

Jul 29, 2015 at 5:33pm

I've lost so many friends to this and in the rare occasion they don't cancel on plans, they only talk about their children anyway. Sure I might get asked the odd question but the parent is too distracted by their children to listen to the answer so there's never much of a conversation anyway. It's become pretty pointless to keep the friendships. I'm with you OP and trust me, it's just as bad for us single women.

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Forgot To Mention

Jul 29, 2015 at 5:44pm

Unfollowing them from Facebook....

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It's true

Jul 29, 2015 at 6:37pm

The lifestyle differences between a married parent and a single, child-free person are huge. I'm siding mostly with Bruce in his thoughts. As a married parent, I have so little free time, that I want to have an excellent time when I do go out. There must be a reason why I want to see someone socially. We have to have honest, meaningful conversations, laugh hysterically, go on some adventure, teach each other new things etc. Some single people I know don't sustain my interest when they talk about their new ukelele, food cart lunch, celebrities, etc. I feel like I'm wasting my valuable time. I don't necessarily want to hang out with other married parents either, when all they talk about is the next thing they want to register their kid in to "get ahead", or what their kid said last night. There has to be a reason why I will set aside time for someone. And OP, if you feel that your married and parental friends drop you, it's because you've failed to be relevant in their new life. They aren't making time for you because there's no reason to see you anymore. Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but unless you make it worth my time and energy, I only want to hang out if we're gonna have a great time together having adventures or having candid conversations about our lives. I also completely disagree about dreams getting killed when you get married or have kids. If you want your dreams to come true, your own determination and focus are the keys. Nothing gets in the way.

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Over 35...

Jul 29, 2015 at 7:14pm

Hard to maintain friendships in general if you're not super close. People get busy/put their SO first always/are dealing with family and work... It's sad but true.

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Parents

Jul 29, 2015 at 9:49pm

should put their children first. It is a huge responsibility. Also their spouse. If you understand this, you will have a better chance of maintaining the friendship .

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