I grew up in a family of narcissists

posted August 1st, 2015 at 2:54 AM

It was always a competition. Vindicative, manipulation was the norm, and so it's been difficult to recognize manipulators and assholes outside of my family for the longest time. Of course I'm damaged, and perpetrate some of these behaviours mindlessly. I have improved, though, and continue to. I have major angst, from the memories and a small guilt that keeps me visiting the more gnarly relatives, however I am starting to believe that even that is just feeding their sense of control and manipulation, and they really do nothing without thinking about what they get for doing it. I despise them and I despise their influence upon me. I am glad for the others that I know, even not in the deepest capacity that show kindness, and that allow me to show kindness without being paranoid that I might be trying to build some sort of favour-owing for later. I hate this twisted mental state I must navigate with self doubt and a critical voice that was hammered into me. My father was the worst perpetrator and lying thieving manipulating coward, but my mother was always a victim, and continued to self-victimise even after escaping him. It could have been much worse, but I still burn with hatred for their sick teachings and influence. The experience makes me fear manipulation and conflict, and yet I am also a fool victim, trusting too easily. The abuse of trust and authority, and weak values continue to haunt me in my adulthood. I need help, but the last several doctors I have talked with do not take me seriously. The worst of it is that I fear working, because of various phobias and trust issues with bosses and coworkers, the fear of being tricked or preyed upon, sabotaged to keep me down and mitigate me as competition rather than working with me as a team member! I wish I could just fall in with the right people that mean what they say, and say what they mean. I feel like I must give off some aura of damage, and I am preyed upon in this fashion. I wish I could repair this damage in myself and others and also be able to identify the abusive manipulators better. I oscillate between hatred and pity for them, as some simply decide to have this selfish arrogant strategy while others still perpetuate it from beng abused themselves. I wish for this to end. I need real help and not bandaid Rxs and wellwishing.

5 Comments

Sounds a bit familier

Aug 1, 2015 at 7:39am

I have a similar story. I always wished i would also fall in with the right people. i never did. I have a couple close friends but very few i trust or even like and i'm very judgmental and also resentful of spoiled people who've not had to suffer through a lot of life.

I ended up getting a job with people that are very successful business people that work for themselves. I worked hard and my boss believed in me. ME!? i have no "fell in" with them in a professional way and although i resent most people still (but secretly) it feels so wonderful, and strange to have supportive people around me. i feel into this. and you can too. i have ditched the horrible people from my past and anyone that brought me down and only focused on working hard and being around people i want to be like. and now its finally starting to have an impact. try it out.

Where to start

Aug 1, 2015 at 9:37am

This seems like a large and complex problem, but you've identified well what's troubling you. Maybe a good place to start would be to break the problem down into three or four changes you'd like to make in your life. Then you could take that list to a good therapist (be prepared to see three or four people before you hit the jackpot there... therapists are very hit & miss).

I hope you find peace of mind and someone to really trust. Good luck.

same boat

Aug 1, 2015 at 1:46pm

I understand, having grown up with some similar family dynamics- though it is mainly my grandma who is the biggest problem. I'm in my early 30s and have spent the past 5 years or so working on myself and trying to re-train my thought patterns. A big part of it is truly accepting that you deserve good treatment- it's not until you can honestly believe that at your core that you will start to attract the right kinds of people because you won't be willing to accept anything less. You are clearly self-aware enough to have recognized the patterns and problems you are facing, so if you put in the work I have no doubt you can get yourself to where you want to be. Try to find yourself a good counsellor or therapist who can start you on the right path- it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it if you can break the patterns that have been passed down through your family for generations. Good luck!

I , too, would like to identify signs

Aug 2, 2015 at 2:04am

unions are the fairest and least competitive environments I've ever worked in. as for trust issues, I've got them too. they make me sick.

Upside

Aug 2, 2015 at 6:00am

One would think with so many meds and problems that you'd qualify for disability payments and a free bus pass so you don't have to worry about getting a job.