Burnt by fire

I met this guy last week through tinder when he came up here from Portland (we'd matched a couple of months ago when he was passing through town), I think mostly (or maybe completely...) just to meet me. We spent an incredible 12 hours together, basically touring up and down Main Street, and kept saying both to each other and his friend we met up with a couple of times how it was such "a great date." It was honestly the best date of my life and the kind of thing I've been waiting on, where we were just on the same wavelength and both up for anything, and also really affectionate and open with one another (or so I took everything to be). He also said several times throughout the date that I should go down to Portland, though it was usually in reference to the newly launched ability to purchase recreational pot, so I don't know that it's wise to read too much into it beyond that. But then when we went to part ways, he stammered, wondering how we would keep in touch (we'd just been using tinder to figure our plans out, as he was using wifi instead of texting while he was up here). He then stopped himself and said, "Oh, well, we have our secret profiles." I asked what the heck he meant by that and if his profile was a secret, and he said, "Oh, I just mean like not Facebook or anything." Thinking that was slightly suspect, I tried to see if I could find him on OkCupid (as there's more info there), and did. It says he's in an open relationship, which he didn't mention, but had said something about how upsetting it was to him when his last girlfriend told him she'd slept with her ex-boyfriend, so he was free to sleep with whomever he wanted. Between the girlfriend and my fear of his post-date rejection, I hastily decided to unmatch with him on tinder, which I've been regretting (even to the point of feeling really, really sick) ever since. I'm not really sure what to feel anymore, but I'm thinking it was pretty stupid of me not to at least leave that line of communication open, as doing so with others has brought some beautiful experiences into my life in the past. Did I jump the gun on this one, or what? Would it be weird to contact him on OkCupid? Coincidentally, my tinder straight up broke about a day and a half after I deleted him, so I could just use that as an excuse... but I'm also kind of scared that maybe he doesn't want to hear from me again. Or maybe I'm scared that he does.. I guess this is a confession of confusion, really. But I'll take any advice you have to offer (that isn't rude or ridiculous, of course).

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APerson

Oct 13, 2015 at 3:22am

Hmm. Quite the blunder, but I'll have a stab at it.

First he says he's in an open relationship on one platform, yet expressed hurt at being cheated on to you. Sooooo... is he looking for hookups out of vengeance? If that's the case I'd stay away! Because that means he'd still have feelings for the other girl and you'll get dropped as soon as they made up. But it's more complicated, because she could be allowing him to do it to get even and hope that will fix things. Or, they did actually mutually agree to an open relationship. Either way, if he had genuine interest in you then he should have been honest with you from the beginning. Especially considering he was obviously lied to, so he knows the pain of that...

I don't get the impression he cares much about keeping in touch because of how hesitant he was. I'm seriously suspecting he wants to piss off the other girl, can't help it lol. If he was serious about communicating with you, he would ensure that it continues, no question. I guess to be fair to him though, maybe he too really enjoyed the experience and was conflicted with what to do about it.

It's possible you may have acted too quickly, but it's completely understandable why you did. If it's going to give you closure to contact him on OkCupid, do it. The Tinder excuse is good enough. If he finds it weird, oh well, cuz IMO he's really not in much of a position to judge. You can continue contact (if he's open to it) and see how it goes, but if he doesn't mention it after a certain amount of time (please give yourself a deadline or something to keep yourself in check) then if he doesn't by the date you've set to be a reasonable amount of time, politely confront him and end it. Or you could just ask him right away, up to you. If he gives you reasonable explanations for his actions and you'd like to give him a chance that's fine, just be careful. Because the thing is you are serious about him and you need to know if he's serious about you, emotions could easily get the better of you the more you guys talk which is why I suggested setting limits. If, however, you don't care about finding out the truth and confrontation, then as long as you don't get too invested you should be able to leave contact open for potential future interaction.

Hope that helps, good luck

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Good choice

Oct 13, 2015 at 7:07am

You made the right choice. Stick to it- future you will high-five you. Keep your fun day as a happy memory. Take the things you liked about your date and use them as a standard for the future. The long-distance throng is a drag and should be avoided. Also- they aren't on solid ground and are in no place for a relationship. It sounds like you are open to a relationship-- so save yourself for someone who is closer, more open and honest and doesn't leave you questioning anything. Don't make the mistake of thinking that this person is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Love doesn't work like that.

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If

Oct 13, 2015 at 7:28am

If you mature into an adult try dating men in real time, that would require some assertive qualities that real men go for.

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unless you *like* sharing

Oct 13, 2015 at 7:46am

or are an emotional masochist ,

avoid people in open-relationships.

ESPECIALLY if they lie (don't tell you) about it!

You WILL be able to find someone who you really click with

who you won't have to share.

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confusing indeed

Oct 13, 2015 at 8:18am

It does appear that he is dishonest. If you were to ask him about his other relationship would you trust his responses? An ethical person who is in an open relationship is open and honest with all involved -- including any new partners they are pursuing. From what you have shared about what you know it seems you may have saved yourself from a lot of unnecessary drama.

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supershy1

Oct 13, 2015 at 9:51am

Honestly, it's Tinder and online dating. It may have been a great experience for one night (we all definitely need that great romance for one night) but he wasn't very honest with you.

Chances are he had a great connection too but he's in a very complicated situation: he's from Portland, he's attached, and probably doesn't know what the eff he wants.

I'd say: chalk it up to a great (one-time) experience, forget him. As hurtful as that sounds, it's for the best for your own emotional well-being.

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SarahGh

Oct 13, 2015 at 10:14am

My advice is to let it go and be careful about getting too excited so early on. That said I do empathize that it is disappointing to meet someone, you really hit it off, and then they disappear. He also lives in Portland...

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If you are genuinely wanting to reconnect...

Oct 13, 2015 at 10:41am

...(though potentially still not sure about whether or not you are interested), why not be honest? Reconnect with him on okcupid, explain that you did unmatch him and WHY you did it (wtf, buddy), but that you feel unsettled leaving things unresolved after such a great date. See what he says?

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Im my experience....

Oct 13, 2015 at 11:48am

Relationships that start out based on lies will remain that way. Sure you had a great date and don't discount that. Take it as a good experience and use it as a litmus test for the kinds of dates you want to manifest in your future. There is someone out there who you will have an amazing connection with who won't be shady. Sounds like this guy doesn't know what he wants and is clearly still got some heavy baggage. All the best to you!!

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Love it

Oct 13, 2015 at 12:39pm

I read the word ethical and online dating in same sentence. I love how people justify using apps and the web to meet people when it's lowest percentile vs good old fashion public awareness. Don't take any of this advice and log off for good. It is a well known fact that social media and cellphones have created a huge amount of dishonest and fake people with phobias and issues associated with jealousy and narcissism. Vancouver is the most online city full of the most fucked up people I have ever met. No fb, no iPhone , no apps, no issues.

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