Depressed ramble

I've struggled greatly due to my depression, and ptsd. I'm almost 40, and have nothing to show for it.... It's hard when all I want is to have a career helping others, to be healthy, and maybe find love. Yet, depression is this horrific abyss you can't seem to escape. No one but those severely afflicted as well understand.... Loved ones give awful advice despite my giving research etc. I feel so alone, and wish I could just escape my body and mind from all of the despair. Feeling worthless, unlovable, unworthy daily and having your mind be such a bully is a hell you can't escape. I'm turning into someone I don't like, the antithesis of who I was and am at my core due to my health undermining me in every area of my life. I've tried so many meds, and good therapy and therapists are out of reach financially. ($100 min or more an hour) only psychiatrists are covered, and I've tried so many over the years with severe side effects, and no help with depression. So many new studies, including those by the FDA, highlight the significant increase in ssris vs placebos increasing suicidal thoughts. Also, ssris being no better than a placebo. It's increased in usage by 400%, and is not effective for many with depression. This is insane. It's a multi-billion dollar business that shows no causal link with serotonin. Yet, why are so many people still suffering and why is the suicide rate so high? I'm so exhausted mentally and physically and can't run from this. Plus, with my crappy treatment and abuse from men as a child and adult has left me cynical ad jaded when so many people I know are happily married. Only met a few good men, and that was years ago and long distance. It's sad that I'm seeing more good women just give up because of experiences they've had too, and opting to be alone or settle with men that treat them poorly to avoid being alone. Good men really are rare sadly. What I wouldn't give just to be held without it being sexual just for a little while especially lately. Going so long without touch(not sexual, just cuddling)... is just painful. God forbid a dude is understanding of my sexual abuse, and is respectful, and wants something meaningful. Such a weird hookup culture. No, I'm sorry I don't want to hook up with a random dude cause it's too emotional for me with my abuse history, and I deserve better. All women deserve better....a man that is loyal, loving, smart, and that they are attracted to and connect with on every level. I've realized being nice, loving, and giving means nothing. Think it's time to get a pet, at least they're loyal and loving. it's sad that I hoped to die in a car accident tonight while driving, just not to feel any pain anymore. Why does life have to be a never-ending series of awful experiences? I'd give anything to feel joy and have anything good happen.

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Been there

Feb 13, 2016 at 1:47pm

High doses of CBD oil will directly increase serotonin without all the nasty side effects of SSRIs, or the "high" effects of THC. Go to a dispensary and get some. It might change your life, or you might not get anything out of it, but it's worth a shot!

A decade of SSRIs and other psych drugs nearly killed me, CBD oil has been nothing short of a miracle. Good luck.

https://www.projectcbd.org/depression

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Wishing you all the best

Feb 13, 2016 at 7:31pm

I've rallied after some pretty intense life experiences and It wasn't easy. So I wish that the days ahead show you glimpses of joy that you can slowly build on. A pet might be the way to go. There's so much to gain from a relationship with a cat or a dog. They are happy to see you when you come home and have a way of sticking by you when you're down. There's nothing quite like cuddling up with a furry friend, unconditional love like that is the best. I had a friend who was in therapy and he adopted a dog from a shelter. One year later he told me that "we saved each other". The constant walks got him out of the house and while at their local dog park he made new friends furry and otherwise. He's seen a lot of improvements in his life and I am grateful because I swear that dog did everything that a doctor, drugs, or even his friends could not. 24/7 constant unconditional love. I hope your circumstances do change very soon, all the love in the world to you.

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A well known pain

Feb 13, 2016 at 11:42pm

I'm sorry to hear the struggle that you're facing. I don't want to make my response about me, but I wanted to tell you that I empathize with your situation, I've struggled with depression in the past, have a history of sexual trauma, and also suffer from PTSD, I know "help", the right type of help is scarce.

It's incredibly difficult to find a little glimmer of hope when our own mind is playing against us and life feels and seems hopeless.

When I was fighting through my last depression, I read a quote that said "if you're going through hell, keep on going", it stuck with me because that's what it felt like but I kept going and got out. It is possible to feel joy again, not gonna lie and say it'll be easy, but it's not as hard as what you're probably going through right now.

I'd be more than happy to share my journey with you, what works for me may not work for you, but sharing in itself can be healing.

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Author

Feb 14, 2016 at 2:22am

Thank you to those that took the time to comment, and provided a flicker of light. I really was looking for an honest, objective view. I'll look into cbd oil. I've been looking into an emotional support animal. I've read a lot of awesome research about it. It's strange how it can be easier sometimes to open up to a stranger vs loved ones.... Thank you to the last person too for sharing their exp. I'm sorry you endured that as well. That quote is by Roosevelt, he also suffered from depression.

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Anonymous

Feb 14, 2016 at 6:55pm

Quote was by Churchill

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