You're clearly not over it and very obsessive.

Get real and get some standards.

My spouse had an affair with a family member. Even 20 years later, during family celebrations, there they are... it is tough. You will never forget. The pain never goes away. We tried to minimize the interaction by moving to a city 1000 miles away! Now it's only once every few years.

The affair obviously hurt you. Each marriage is different - some are agreed to be strictly monogamous, others are open (to various degrees).

I'm happy that that you have been talking and working through this. It seems the success of your marriage is operant to both you and your spouse.

It is much easier too be forward when you are not faced with reminders of the affair. Seeing or hearing of your spouses previous illicit partner keeps this issue in your thoughts.

I'd like to share a thing or two about affairs:

1. The affair was never about you or anything lacking in you. Your spouse had some things going on with them which drew them to having a physical relationship with another. You were not the reason for him straying.

2. For people who have had lovers (whether single, in an open relationship or as part of an affair) they are capable of being "over it".

I saw a picture of an ex boyfriend. I had no lingering sexual feelings for him. I have nothing against him. I hope he's doing well for himself. If I met him at an event or while out and about, I'd have no desire to bed him. The physical relationship we shared is in the past is over.

Likewise, your spouse is likely well over this affair and has no lingering attraction to his previous lover.

As for checking on social media - if you have not stumbled across anything that raises suspicion by now ( you say it's been two years) - then trust that he has worked through his own issues. Trust and move forward in your relationship.

If and when you have feelings of insecurity and feel you need to "check up" on your spouse - take a deep breath. Make a cup of tea. Call a friend or someone you feel comfortable with talking about your feelings (not your spouse though). Or, if you can afford it - connect with a counsellor.

I wish you the best for yourself and your relationship with your spouse.

I'd create a practical ritual and a phrase I could repeat to myself over and over while performing the ritual, asking for help in releasing the thoughts that have a hold on my mind.

Sweeping the floor is really good for this - sweeping everything out the door of the room you're sweeping, while repeating to yourself "I release these thoughts which have a hold on me."

Do it enough days in a row and hopefully you will find a difference. Walking and repeating a release phrase might help as well.

I have been there. It is incredibly painful. Take the high road. Looking for things will not help anyone, especially you. Be confident in the beautiful woman you are. Do things to increase the confidence. His actions (affair) had nothing to do with you. Think about if you are really having the relationship you want. Having to worry all the time. I left because I did not want to live my life that way. Women can be very aggressive in pursuing married men. Sending you a Hug.

Husband. It's not her fault he cheated, he betrayed you & there is no reason for you to accept that. Ditch that loser & move on!

I can empathize with you - these days it's pretty much impossible to avoid people like that, and it's so easy to "check in" on people like that. I would say, if it's interfering with your life, definitely try counselling if you can afford it. It will help you work through the trauma (obviously there's some lingering, even if you and your husband seem to be doing fine, since you can't stop thinking about her) and hopefully that will help you move on. I'm sorry that happened to you :(

Such helpful thoughts - many thanks.