Lost

I really want to be healthier but lately when I wake up sober the emotions I'm feeling are so strong that I just want to escape by drinking. I used to just drink because I liked the way it made me feel and it was fun but now that some things are not going well in my life (not caused by drinking) when I start to actually think about them as they creep closer and become reality all I want to do is cover my eyes and basically be unconscious. The minute I snap out of it again I have to go to to the liquor store to calm my nerves because I'm going through some very intense things that I can't seem to deal with sober. My sister just recently told the family that she has cancer and I just felt like my heart was torn into pieces. My knees buckled and I was started wailing. I wanted to stay strong for her but we both just cried in each others arms. It's never real... never until it happens to you or someone you know it seems. This is the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I'm so sad for her and just knowing our time together will more than likely be cut short has totally ruined my life. I know it would make more sense to want to live instead of drink my life away right now.. make the most of my time with her and my family but it's so real and scary, something I've never had to deal with before that I can't do it sober. I need help. I'm not going to AA I don't believe in it so please no suggestions like that. I just had to vent. I don't know what to do anymore.

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A fellow drinker here...

Aug 30, 2016 at 11:04pm

I understand. I put down the booze not long ago after YEARS of medicating my feelings and thoughts, and it is always a temptation to go to the liquor store to drown out reality.

But here is what keeps me sober (and I don't do AA either...you don't have to go, and it's a damn shame that many people, even the courts, seems to believe that the 12-step model is the only solution for everyone). I realize now that life is going to happen, and there is nothing--NOTHING--that booze will do except make it harder and worse. Your sister has cancer, and I'm sorry, but you getting wasted will not change this. In fact, when you wake up the morning after a serious drinking session, feeling like a sack of assholes and flooded with guilt and shame, it is going to make everything worse. And so you get another drink. And the cycle begins.

You need to stay strong. For yourself, and for your sister. She needs you to be sober, and for you to have all your faculties so you can be there for her. Alcohol will make this situation worse. It won't change it. Life will always be difficult, but it is easier to face it down without being broke, sick, and full of chronic anxiety.

Do it for your sister at the very least. She doesn't need the added strain of seeing you deal with your misery by being drunk. Drinking is self-centered activity and now is the time to focus on someone who, as you say, may not be long for this world. You have your health, she does not have hers, and it is rude and selfish to willingly stomp all over your health IN HER FACE when she herself doesn't have a choice.

You do. Make that choice. Alcohol is a fucking waste of time, money, spirit, energy. Be in the moment with every second she is still on this planet.

Well...

Aug 30, 2016 at 11:11pm

The first step to not drinking is to not drink. And eat a lot of bacon and eggs. Who can be sad with bacon and eggs?

Alternatives

Aug 31, 2016 at 12:25am

I was in the same boat until I found a way of coping that didn't make me and my life shitty afterwards. For me, it's working out with heavy weights, and also deliberately taking the time to go on hikes or even just lazy strolls by the beach or in the endowment lands. Lifting heavy keeps me out of my head, in the present moment, and leaves much less room for that part of my head that ruminates on thoughts that leave me feeling emotionally depleted. You don't even need to join a gym or hire a trainer, though I find that being able to show up, be told what to do and just doing it helps when I'm dragging my feet. All I'm saying is that it doesn't need to cost you a lot of money, especially if you redirect the money you spend on booze anyways.

It may be something else for you, but I highly recommend some sort of physical activity that you enjoy so you stick to it in the long run. Exercise has been shown to be just as effective as pills. It helped me get through watching my mom die from cancer within one year and saved me from returning to all the other shit that I used to use to cope. Also, even though you probably feel like hiding from the world, try to find even one person that you feel you can talk to. Write out your feelings. Get it out somehow...

Really big hug!

21 9Rating: +12

well

Aug 31, 2016 at 12:33am

@Well: abused pigs and chickens for starters. And then maybe the brainwashed majority that develop obesity and heart problems from their animal fat diets.

Anonymous

Aug 31, 2016 at 12:45am

This is what a person sounds like when they're in the process of going down the drain.

7 17Rating: -10

@A fellow drinker here

Aug 31, 2016 at 9:30am

Good post and I agree about the 12 steps. But is there any other advice except "stay strong"? This is easier said than done. How does one be successful in overcoming this dependence/self medicating? How did you?

11 5Rating: +6

@@ well

Aug 31, 2016 at 10:21am

If you don't eat eggs, where on earth do you get enough choline from, maybe your liver just isn't good enough for a high fat diet.

9 11Rating: -2

well

Aug 31, 2016 at 2:54pm

re @@well: tofu, broccoli, rice. and vegan diets are high carb, not high fat.

5 11Rating: -6

OP of A fellow drinker ...

Aug 31, 2016 at 5:16pm

Staying strong is, for me, huge part of it. The mind and will can overcome urges and cravings. I am certainly not speaking for everyone; we are individuals with different bodies and souls and what works for one person can fail for another (hence why AA is not effective for everyone). I read a lot about alcohol and alcoholism, what it does to the body and brain, I journal, I exercise, I eat well, I sometimes get counsel from my doctor, but mostly...I use my willpower. Yes, AAers, that can be enough. I gave my wallet and sanity and health to alcohol, and all I need to do is read thru my old journals and emails and look at pics to keep me straight. (Sadly, a hardcore drunk needs medical supervision to detox for the first while or they can die from seizuring.)

Urges pass. And I also discovered that I am glucose sensitive, meaning my physical reaction to booze is abnormal and different from a non-alcoholic normal drinker.

Alcohol is not god. It is a crappy drug that takes over, and you do not have to keep calling yourself an alcoholic forever or discuss it in meetings. Leave it behind. Move forward. Do not give that shit power. We are all better than being pathetic drunks.

10 9Rating: +1

OP of Alternatives

Sep 1, 2016 at 5:44am

Staying strong IS easier said than done. However, it definitely is a part of it. The important thing is finding out what helps you stay strong, and it's often a combination of physical, mental/emotional and spiritual self-care. I whole heartedly believe that you must find a healthier coping mechanism to replace the ones that help in the very short-term but inevitably make things worse. For me, it took a combination of lifting heavy weights and improving my diet (physical), finding a counsellor that I trust and staying regular with appointments (mental/emotional), and spending as much of my free time as possible in nature (spiritual). Staying strong isn't this constant state that you achieve or anything like that. It is having the willingness to try different things, to stumble and fall, and then to get back up. It doesn't mean you don't have moments of weakness or feelings of defeat. Let yourself feel frustrated and defeated when those feelings come up. Then stand up, learn from your experience and apply that learning when you try again. Trust me when I say this. Numbing out difficult emotions doesn't actually make them go away. Perhaps for a moment you will feel relief, but that quickly fades and eventually you've created a new problem (all the ugly things that come with substance dependence) ONTOP of what you were originally dealing with. Those shitty feelings won't go away until you've allowed yourself the space to feel them and to process them through talking to someone you trust.

9 10Rating: -1

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