If only they'd sought help?

posted October 13th, 2016 at 9:41 PM

Sometimes someone dies by suicide and so many people are saying, if only they'd sought help. Well, I've been seeking help since I was 13 fucking years old. I'm now close to 30. What good did any of it do me? I've been out of hospital for eight months now, one of countless psych admissions in my life, but I still have nightmares once in a while about being locked up in a psych ward. It's happened to me so many times, and each time has been traumatic. People who've never been there think you're where you're need to be, that you're getting help. Reality is you lose pretty much all your rights, most of the nurses have no interest in actually trying to help you and some are downright abusive, you have to wear ill-fitting hospital pajamas and can't even get clean ones for days, you lose weight from not eating because the food is so bad, there's no counselling or anything happening, you lose the ability to stay in contact with loved ones unless they're ability to come visit, you just sit around all day doing nothing, and you're locked up in an environment where you're surrounded be people who are unpredictable and potentially violent. Last time I was there, the patient in the room next to mine got punched in the jaw by another patient, unprovoked. They had to take him out to emerg for x-rays to make sure his jaw wasn't broken. This is what "help" looks like. Another option is a psychiatrist and case manager at one of Vancouver's mental health teams, but what do they do? A whole lot of nothing. They can't be bothered to remember the details of your circumstances or needs. They say, oh, we'll refer you to such-and-such and such-and-such, and then nothing ever happens. That OT we said we'd refer you to when we saw you a month ago? No, we never did that. That other organization we thought might be able to help you that we said we'd contact for you? No, we never did that. You meet with them once a month, and nothing ever happens. They ask where you see yourself going and you say, I see myself running out of money, losing my apartment and dying. How do they respond? Not much of anything. It's been four months since I did everything I needed to do to apply for CPP-Disability and the mental health team still can't be bothered to provide the government with the necessary information so they assess my eligibility. Psychiatrist didn't even realize there was a difference between PWD and CPP and though we were talking about PWD, suggested that it was my fault because I need to fill out my section of the PWD application. Nope, I applied for PWD over a year ago and got approved four months after I applied. Also, my section? Optional for PWD, so even if we had been talking about PWD, that would be bullshit. I filled my section of the CPP-Disability application back in June and have done everything the government has asked me to. My application is now going to be decided without Service Canada having access to any records or information from my mental health team, because after waiting thirty days for a response, and then another 21 days for a response, they're forced without that information. Like, seriously, why is it so hard for these people to do their fucking job? I'm the one with a disability here, a disability so severe that I've only been able to work a total of three months in the past two years, but I'm the one who has to constantly advocate for myself and make sure that my care providers are doing their job? I thought maybe things would get better when I switched psychiatrists and case managers back in the spring, but what good did it to me? I went from a psychiatrist who was insistent that I go for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, because it's the gold standard treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, despite that my diagnoses are PTSD and Depression and I've already gone through pretty extensive but not effective (probably because I don't have Borderline Personality Dirosrder) DBT treatment. Some number of months ago, I saw a private counsellor for a number of sessions. I never got comfortable with her, and after a session where I was too dissociative to speak, she told me she couldn't see my anymore. Maybe that's for the best, since I can't afford rent let alone counselling. What next? I mean, really, where can I go from here? Right now I'm taking all the pills and drinking all the beer so that I can get as far away from this pain as I can, but then what? I can seek and seek and seek and seek help, but at what point will I actually get effective help? I've been on this journey for SIXTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE, more than half of my time on this planet. When and how am I going to actually get somewhere? Maybe my life was over the first time I was sexually abused. Maybe there was never any hope for me. Maybe all this trying to get help does me more harm than good. It would sure seem that way. If you're able to access the help you need, you deserve no less than that. I want to live in a world where everyone has that access. Instead, what? Impending death for me, despite my efforts?

10 Comments

Maybe helpful?

Oct 14, 2016 at 1:35am

Google "Childhood Trauma Counselling for Adults:
VISAC and TASA Programs" - potentially free counselling, but a wait list

I hope you find the help you deserve.

I hope you find help

Oct 14, 2016 at 7:03am

I'm sorry for what happened to you--no one should have to go through that.
I don't have much advice but I want you to know that people do care. I am a random on the internet & I care about you & I truly do hope you can see all the beauty & good in the world.
Don't give up on yourself
Take care
Xoxo

Detox/Daytox Vancouver

Oct 14, 2016 at 7:17am

Seriously you will get help there.

I'm in a similar boat...

Oct 14, 2016 at 7:27am

And I feel like I'm slowly sinking and everyone's just standing around watching but not helping at all. How is one supposed to best advocate for themselves when nobody provides enough information to give you a real chance of success from the beginning? I have no clue!?!! Times are hard for low income earners and mental illness is not regarded with any sort of dignity here. Sick people are being treated like they are not even worth the trouble or cost of proper treatment and are left to their own devices instead (yikes!). There is a complete lack of empathy and knowledge about how to help so people in this situation are just stuck in a vicious cycle leading nowhere. It's truly sad and it affects me every day - but I'm going to fight with everything I've got. I feel for you. Don't give up. Don't let them win. Fight. You can do it!

Susan Walker

Oct 14, 2016 at 11:00am

Change and mental wellness cannot come from a psychiatrist, a counsellor or a therapist, or even medication. If it did, we wouldn't have any mental health problems because we certainly have a lot of mental health professionals and drugs out there.

What the main problem is, in my experience, is that the 'patient/client' does not take responsibility for his/her own wellness. Everyone wants someone else to change - their significant other, their family, society, their boss, etc.

Well, that is not going to happen.

The only person who can change and be well is you. Yes, you are welcome and encouraged to get help along the way. But you cannot expect it to work if you don't work on the problems.

I recommend a practitioner who uses Reality Therapy. It's very sensible. But you have to do the work or it won't help.

One of my family members

Oct 14, 2016 at 12:32pm

is in the same boat. I totally hear you. There can be a wait list of many months to see a psychiatrist and a charge of 100 to see a counselor. Then they are not helpful. It can be very challenging.
@Susan - sometimes one part of the illness is the inability of the neurons firing to give you the skills to take charge yourself. @Detox - this is an overcrowded place where you can be watched for a few days while you stop using a substance. Then you are basically back home without proper support. Again, very challenging.

understanding person

Oct 14, 2016 at 1:31pm

i was sexually abused in my pre-adolescence by our dad and was bullied for most of my life. i have experienced a few PTSD-causing events. i am a male. The love i have for our dad, even with the sexual abuse as a child (because he was kind in every other way: not loving, but kind and supportive in all ways), allowed me to finish a pharmacy degree and to work for many years as a pharmacist. I also took Kempo (kung fu) in my thirties, which helped a bit to overcome my fear of others, and give me general feeling of safety and self-confidence in the world. I was f'd up for decades, although being a caring and competent pharmacist. Then thru a good friend and our sweet sister's help i saw an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) specialist a couple or so years ago. A brilliant 25-yr veteran psychology professor from UBC who specializes in EMDR treatments. He said EMDR is the only medically proven and endorsed non-invasive psychological/psychiatric cure for PTSD that is available: there are numerous people from ex-soldiers to first responders to average people with PTSD's who have been and are being cured of their PTSD's over the last decade or so.EMDR is not a new idea. It was expensive and it seems to be working, but i still get occasional anxietal triggers; much less than the start of treatment. It has been difficult as my world seemed to fall apart due to regular exhausting PTSD triggers and night&daytime 'nightmares',and purging PTSD emotions and memories (after years of in-brain dormancy).I also had to ask God/Guardian Angels/Divinity for help every time (numerous times) i thought i had had enough and wanted to end my life.It wasn't easy,but doable.You are loved profoundly and unconditionally by The Creator,i assure you.Forgiving others and ourselves and taking care of ourselves on an ongoing basis is key in moving on.'Forgive them for they not know what they do or say'.Whoever does harm unto others had been done prior harm to, and must go thru the difficult but doable path of self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness sometime during this lifetime, too: 'do (kindness) unto others as you want to do (kindness) unto yourself'.Being kind to others (despite the PTSD's we went thru) makes us kind to ourselves automatically.Try it and you will see :)When we are in need,helping others nourishes our own spirit.Sending you infinite loving warm healing thoughts

Don't give up.

Oct 14, 2016 at 5:58pm

I had been asking for help for 20 years and I finally got it. You have to keep advocating for yourself and your well being in this world. Hound the system to work for you, beacuse no one is going to do it for you. It is your right. There are services out there. Contact family services of greater vancouver. They have a sexual trauma victims program, which is long term government funded trauma counselling for victins of sexual assault and abuse. There is a waitlist yes, but you might as well get on it. They can also help you apply for VISAC. You need extensive counselling if you are ever going to be able to live with your PTSD. You deserve to be happy and live a fullfilling life. You have to take full responsibilry for what you do with this hand that you have been dealt. I pray that you have compassion for yourself and the courage to keep looking for answers and I truly believe you will get the help you need. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hear you

Oct 15, 2016 at 4:42am

I am in a similar boat with Worksafe BC. I try to surround myself with good people, advocate for myself, and I hit the gym for my own wellness to keep up with physio stuff (physical and mental health issues from a workplace incident). If you are on low income, you can get an access pass to all the community centres. I don't drink often (depressant, messes with my pills) and I eat well but simply. It is so difficult to stay motivated, but I try my best. Don't give up! PS to the person who said to leave Vancouver, you are a moron. Vancouver is about the only place to live in BC where you can get around properly with no car.

Please

Oct 15, 2016 at 8:37am

Don't give up. You only get one life. I understand it is a massive struggle for you but it is worth it if you are able to get help. My boyfriend commuted auicide over 10 years ago and I still can barely manage to cope with it. It ruins the lives of those around you even I feel you think you are burdening them with your illness. I agree the system is flawed. It is the age of apathy my friend but your life does matter.