Google Bryan Post and check out his website with a ton of helpful resources (books, audio books, videos). You are not alone and you are not a bad parent. Your child is not bad either. You're just going to need new skills and supports- both are there for you at least online, and hopefully you can bring these skills into your home, family, and community. Stay patient, persistent, rooted in love & connection. Life is a rocky road and most difficult behaviours are rooted in fear. Good luck and hang in there. "It gets better" and your child will thank you one day for not abandoning them.

It ain't easy, no.
Community support is good. You have to be strong to be strong for others. Did you get enough sleep, exercise, fun, and togetherness time? Were you in a good enough space to model the behaviour you want to see?
It's never too late to change your relationship.

"i am not a soft person. i yell at kids when they deserve it"

That's what made your kids crazy.
No one "deserves" to be abused.
Until you lose the mindset that says "it's not abuse, it's me yelling at people who deserve it," your kids will continue to act out, because they have a _very bad example_ at home.

for everything, including this. Maybe look into seeing a counselor for more info. Having kids can be sort of a roll of the dice but you can influence the result quite a bit with the right set of skills. I have taught many years of elementary school and there is a lot of variety with children and they also can change from year to year. Most have quite a few nice qualities.

Best advice ever- Screw kids, have a dog instead!!!!!!!!!