Bullying

posted February 22nd, 2017 at 12:16 PM

So today is Pink Shirt Day. A day to shine a light on bullying in schools. As someone who was bullied relentlessly through school, I can offer some insights beyond the platitudes you might hear from people who were never bullied. If you want to combat this problem, you need to understand what undergirds bullying in the first place. Bullies are not simply cowards who will go away if you "stand up to them." Bullying is a symptom of "social combat." Social hierarchies are formed in school when students figure out who outranks other students according to who can put down others and get away with it. If there is no price to pay from peers, one student will pick on another to affirm his or her higher rank. Can anything be done about this? The ugly truth: not really. You can't force kids to be nice or to be friends with each other. I remember when I was a kid, they would have people come to the school to talk to us as part of an anti-bullying program. We would do workshops meant to facilitate better relationships between students. It was a farce. Kids would tell teachers what they wanted to hear and, as soon as the day was over, it was back to business as usual. In 6th grade, we had a "Put Down Patrol" initiative of student groups who were to ensure that bullying wasn't taking place in class. Guess who was on patrol. The bullies. There is also a myth about bullies as good kids who are only acting out because they are really hurting inside. No. This is bullshit. Many of the kids who bullied me were the popular kids from well-off families. Trust me, these were not broken people. They bully people because, frankly, they can. Its fun. I know its a disturbing thought but its true. Its satisfying, perhaps intoxicating, to exert power over other people. They bully other kids because it affirms their high rank. And, they do so with the knowledge that if their victims actually did try to fight back, the price to pay would be so high, in the form of increased ostracization, that the victims would never dare stand up to them. I really wish parents would understand how stupid and simplistic it is to say, "just stand up to bullies" and they will go away. They won't. Its also a myth that bullying is a matter of miscommunication. It wouldn't stop if kids "just go to know each other better." The truth is, school, for many of us, is like prison except we are released at 2:30 pm, but have to go back the next morning. There are perpetrators and victims, but administrators think both parties are equally responsible. Think of how absurd that is. If you got mugged on the street, would the police say, "aren't you just as culpable? What did YOU do to invite this mugging?" But this is how schools approach the problem! For some reason, when adults are attacked, its a criminal matter, but if a child gets terrorized at school, the reaction is, "Meh, kids will be kids. Its just a rite of passage." If you want to solve this problem, a handshake and "sorry" won't do. You have to go after the ones who instigate the bullying and punish them. If we really are serious about this, its going to have to include suspensions or expulsion. Sorry, but a day of pink shirts isn't going to solve this.

5 Comments

6th grade

Feb 23, 2017 at 12:29pm

we had a put down free zone.

computers were new.

my how things change.

I agree with everything you say

Feb 23, 2017 at 3:53pm

Bullies are dangerous sadists, and it is inevitable because all of us are descended from killers. The ones who were bad at killing, were clubbed on the head, pierced through the gut, or in some other way died in the muck. The ones who were good at it passed on their DNA, and on and on and now you have us.

For most of us, pro-social conditioning was effective, and we would no more voluntarily look for a fight than we would intentionally piss our pants, another trained-in mannerism that helps social functioning.

However, for some of us, the urge to harm for recreational reasons remains strong.

I've been on both sides of the bully and bullied lines. I strongly urge all people, and all parents of young people, to learn how to fight bullies.

Yes, talking is better, and society should be better, and so on and on.

However, there WILL BE A TIME when you cannot flee, there is no one coming to help, and the beatdown is imminent.

For those times, there is no choice but to fight. Anything is better than simply accepting that you're a useless wimpy piece of shit that deserves to be beat down. We will all fight.

But will we fight effectively? With luck, physical fitness, and defence training, yes, probably.

Otherwise, well. Probably not.

The

Amen and amen

Feb 23, 2017 at 7:43pm

The worst advice I got in high school was to take the high road and ignore the bullies so that I'm not stooping to their level. WRONG. When you're cooped up with them day in and day out, ignoring them is giving them tacit permission to continue. I wish somebody taught me, the straight-A goody two-shoes, to be outrageous and put my middle fingers up. It takes creativity, but it is possible to shut down bullies. It's not enough to douse the fire; you have to bulldoze the entire site. In one rare instance of success, I got a bully to stop making fun of me for liking a guy by hinting that I was actually in love with HER...this during the sorta-homophobic mid-90's.

Yep..

Feb 24, 2017 at 12:55pm

I was bullied in high school, had a falling out with a friend who turned a group of guys against me. Not every situation is a "just stand up for yourself" I had it happen with one guy in elementary school as well, and started a fight with him and that was the end of it.

But it's different when you have seven guys who are all larger than yourself, calling you names and humiliating you in a class. I tried telling them to fuck off, ignoring them, lauging, not responding, etc. Worst time of my life, filled me with self doubt and a lack of confidence to this day.

And the whole thing about "bullies are bullied themselves" is bullshit. They just haven't been on the receiving end, so it really is funny to them. They were all from decent families, did well socially, etc. Also the whole "time is the best revenge" not really, a lot of them are doing really well, successful with nice wives, etc.

I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you there were a lot of teachers who did fuck all about it, even though it was going on right in front of them. For me, the answer was to build myself mentally and physically. I do not get picked on these days, (do not come across as weak/victim, etc) and have a bit better self confidence, although am not great socially, have had problems with lasting relationships, etc.

That would be my advice to anyone getting bullied. Start weightlifting or any other way of building yourself up, mentally or physically. If it is one on one, start a fight. Even if you lose, you won't get picked on again.

No kidding

Feb 29, 2020 at 4:26pm

Wearing a pink shirt is not going to stop people in the workplace from bullying each other. Bullies have existed since the beginning of time and some of these folks in Human Resources who promote pink shirt day at work are nothing a bunch of hypocrites themselves. They're guilty of being bullies so this day is very much an excuse for them to just wear pink. Why wait until one day a year to stop bullying?