I have to do this.

posted February 22nd, 2017 at 8:53 PM

I just spent the last few years in professional limbo, trying very hard to transition out of a going-nowhere career into the public sector in order to feel just a bit better about my future. During these last few years, I have been locked into a relationship that I have wanted out of desperately. I was also very emotionally disturbed and unhappy and drank a lot and took my frustrations out on my boyfriend, who never ever left me no matter how heinous my behaviour. But here is the thing: he had, and has, nobody except me. He is in his mid-forties and comes from a completely dysfunctional, abhorrent family (think: incest, violence, scams...). He is very smart and funny and caring, but like all of his middle-aged siblings, learned from his upbringing and suffers from arrested development. My boyfriend is fucked: he is in a financial black hole, having scammed payday loans and banks and God knows who else over the years (an apt pupil of his parents), lying to me about his finances all the while. He will never get out of a low-paying warehouse job. He doesn't even have a driver's license. He will never provide me with any sort of future EVER. He cannot cook, does not shop for household goods, never has money, has learned that I will take care of everything right down to buying his shower gel. He works hard, but he is a loser. I, on the other hand, have a university education, come from a loving and close professional family who have done a great deal for us, and feel I deserve much better. Desperation and economic circumstances in this godforsaken city have rendered us roommates, relying on each other to just keep a roof over our heads. With a lot of effort, I just got myself an entry-level government job. I am proud of myself. The other day, almost as a test, I texted him to ask if he could pick up toilet paper. He had no money, he said, and proceeded to lie about where it all went and then throw back in my face all the times he has emotionally supported me and dealt with my drunken flailing and abuse and shitty antics over the years. I told him he has to move out. I am done. You guys will never know how some people are actual vampires, but he is one. I am starting anew, I may not be able to afford this--of course, everything is in my name because of his nonexistent credit and life skills--but I have to do this. He is also playing the pity card because his mother is dying in hospital and his siblings are proving themselves to be the trashy shitheads they have always been, fighting about power and money. This man is almost 47, by the way. I am 41. And the last 4 years of my life have been unmemorable, a blur, a nightmare. I don't care that he has stuck by me through my emotional upheavals and, I will admit, abuse. I have provided him with everything (all he owns could be stuffed into a garbage bag) and I want out. Now. I refuse to feel guilt.

12 Comments

Can I go with You?

Feb 23, 2017 at 12:02pm

I'm also stuck in a going nowhere job despite having a university degree. I've also been trying to get an entry level government job. Can I ask what you do, and how you went about getting the new job?

hugs

Feb 23, 2017 at 12:21pm

nothing you said in your confession is unreasonable.

that is all.

Run sister run

Feb 23, 2017 at 1:35pm

Get out while you can

You Disgust Me

Feb 23, 2017 at 3:05pm

You're a horrible human being.
So you used this man for emotional support (I mean, he must provide you with _something_) until you had a decent job, now you're going to turf him.

This is very common, actually, tho you're a bit late in the game to be doing it. This is more something that women do to their University boyfriends, who might be "great guys," but who might not have sufficient $$$$$ to help pay for their degrees or buy them houses. So, even tho the guy has provided emotional support to the woman all through her undergrad, once she graduates and gets a decent job, bye bye, LOSER!

Ain't it great to have a Government that steals money from men, and preferentially hires women because they're a "historically disadvantaged group"? How many years of this tax-abuse until men are considered "disadvantaged" for having to pay for a Government that is nothing but hostile to them?

Good choice

Feb 23, 2017 at 3:45pm

As a decent human being, you don't like people to be unlucky and unhappy, driven to fraud.

However, you are under no obligation whatsoever to hitch your life to that of unlucky, unhappy fraudsters. These behaviors are catching.

Defend and care for him from a safe distance, abstractly.

Awful Woman

Feb 23, 2017 at 8:00pm

You sound like an awful woman. No man in his right mind will want a 41 year old woman with your attitude and sense of entitlement. You could have taught him to cook or helped him. Instead you threw him away like a pile of bricks.

And so it goes

Feb 23, 2017 at 8:06pm

If the roles were reversed,I'm quite sure I know what the responses from the women would be...

@you disgust me

Feb 23, 2017 at 9:24pm

Sigh. How you managed to get a full-on rant about how awful women are out of one woman's experience with a guy who clearly has major issues that ANY person would be upset about is beyond me. She doesn't claim to be perfect and admits to being abusive at times, but that doesn't mean that she should therefore be willing to chain herself to someone who is obviously going nowhere quickly. She may very well be doing him a big favour by removing the safety net that keeps him dependant. Perhaps when he doesn't have it anymore he'll learn to take care of himself like an adult, instead of behaving like an overgrown infant. As for you....sigh.

Wow..

Feb 24, 2017 at 12:27pm

Sounds like you need to get out, some things will never change.

I've never understood men who have no shame about being poor, broke, never getting the training/education to get a higher paying job. I would be ashamed to ever leech off a partner.

As a guy I expect equality in a relationship, IE I ain't paying for everything. But at the same time I would be fucking embarrassed if I were ever in a financial situation where I couldn't afford to buy fucking toilet paper. Maybe when I was like 20 and working some shitty minimum wage job and spending all my money on partying etc. But late 40's?? fuck....

Good luck...