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posted Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 8:31pm
I'm male and in my late 40's and married. Over the past year I have realised that I am in love with a good female friend who I have known for 2 decades. To be honest I've probably been in love with here for all of that time but circumstances, distance, life and probably some self confidence prevented me exploring that further when I was single and then I married someone else as did she. She's now single. Now before everyone jumps on me for being married and loving someone else let me say that I have never acted on these feelings and I wont as it would be wrong on so many levels - even if my marriage has seen better days (and I am working on improving that). If my marriage ends and she's single then I wont miss the chance, otherwise I'll continue to be a good friend and nothing more (fortunately we dont see each other that often).
The opinion I seek is this - currently I am experiencing some health problems that whilst they should be managable there is a chance (small but not insignificant) that they could have suddenly fatal consequences. I have been toying with the idea of doing the sort of thing seen in movies where I write a letter along the lines of "If you are reading this I have died..." and confess my feelings. As far as I can see there are arguments on both sides and change my ideas every time I think about it. So I thought I'd use this anonymous forum to get some opinions.....
Comments (11) Add New Comment
May 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm
i don't think u shud -- it wud b bad enuf 4 ur wife to lose u, then 2 hv this type of info come out wud b a double whammy & that other woman already knows in her heart that the 2 of u hv feelings 4 each other.
May 22, 2012 at 9:49 pm
You may not want to hear this, but if you really want to make things work with your wife, you cannot continue your friendship with your female friend. You are in love with your female friend and those feelings will always get in the way of your marriage if you are trying to make it work. Are you still in love with your wife?
On the flip side, if you do not love your wife anymore and would rather be with your friend who you love, you may owe it to your wife and yourself to end the marriage.
If you end the marriage and then confess to your friend of 20 years that you are in love with her, she may not have the same feelings for you and you will likely lose the friendship.
On the flip side, if you do not love your wife anymore and would rather be with your friend who you love, you may owe it to your wife and yourself to end the marriage.
If you end the marriage and then confess to your friend of 20 years that you are in love with her, she may not have the same feelings for you and you will likely lose the friendship.
May 23, 2012 at 3:25 am
I like your post. It's refreshing to see one that's real (at least it seems to be) and confesses a somewhat complex situation. I think this is one of those situations where the old cliche ' you have to work at a marriage' applies. Another one is 'the grass is always greener - or maybe ' I think the grass is greener...' The more you think about your 'friend,' the more you will make yourself believe that you should go for it. But that would be a mistake. Work at what you have; remember your commitments to that person. Enjoy life. In all likelihood, there's a few weeds in the green grass and you'll find them. And remember - there's no such thing as a 'female friend.'. Eventually one develops feelings and wants to do the nasty.
May 23, 2012 at 7:37 am
since the likelihood of your condition being fatal is small, I see this as drawing out the connection between you and this lady. investing any energy in your feelings for the lady is really a way to continue the relationship. you are feeding your feelings and desires for her. no judgement. i think you need to be really honest with yourself about whether you're willing to give up fostering these feelings. maybe you have been in love with this lady for a really long time or maybe you think you have. whatever the case may be....take some time. make a decision and then act with dignity for yourself and your wife and this woman. you'll be glad you did. whatever the future holds, be honest in your intentions because at this point, you are very much involved with this lady and the contradiction between what you're saying you want "to work on your relationship" and the energy you're putting into finding a way to let this lady know your feelings (even in death!) make it clear that you're not letting go.
May 23, 2012 at 10:32 am
You are kind of having a relationship with two women - one is real and she is your wife and the other is a friend whereby the love you feel is kind of based on the idea of her. You have had many years to fall in love with the idea of her but you don't really know what it is like to love her on a reality basis "(fortunately we dont see each other that often)". This is easy really - if you want to stay married, stay married and give it all you've got - if you don't want to stay married, then get a divorce and tell your female friend how you feel and live happily ever after (if she feels the same way). If you stay married, and your health should deteriorate to such an extent that you may have to express your last sentiments, then pick up the phone and tell her how you have felt for all of these years - better yet, sit her down in front of you, take her hand and kiss her one last time and tell her that you just needed her to know what was in your heart. You need to deal with your reality right now and that is your health and what you want out of your marriage.
May 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm
I have to agree with mostly everyone's comments and suggestions. They're all pretty genuine and sincere. However, here's my two cents:
First, its not logical to get a divorce and jump into another relationship. Yes, you've had this attraction/feelings with your girl friend for so many years. Yes, I see how you can care for her and love her...but keep in mind to a certain degree. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And yes, you have some physical attraction towards her (vice versa), again, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't cross that line. But once you cross that line, please believe me when I say this "life will be chaotic for you!" The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. Here's a question for you that will sort of put things into perspective. "What is one thing that Mrs. Wifey is not able to provide to you that Ms. girl friend is able to?" If your answer to that is "emotional connection" or "physical/sexual satisfaction," here's my responds to that:
second of all, if you feel that you have a stronger "emotional connection" with your girl friend its due to the circumstances you both are in. Until you live with her is when you can honestly sort of put your relationsip to the test. All it takes is that one circumstance that will spoil your "strong emotional connection." Something as simple as she may be turned off by your hairy nipples or you being turned off by her being a hoarder. Think about it, why do you think is she single "again." Believe me when I say this, the grass is NOT greener on the other side!
Third of all, If you feel that you are "physicall/sexually" attracted to your girl friend,again, is due to your circumstances. You are curious as much as she is. But once, you cross that line (and then a few more times), eventually, it all feels the same. Don't get me wrong, everything will feel right/good in the beginning, but eventually, all becomes a routine. Again, believe when I say this....the grass is NOT always greener on the other side!
Finally, DO NOT write that letter! the "KEY" thing is that knowing and believing deep in your heart that you truly care for her and love her. That's what matters the most. If she feels that you do, she does not need "proof" or to be reminded that you do! And keep in mind, if any case that you feel like you've lost that "love and feeling" with your wife (I'm not saying that you have), all you have to do is simply bring her back in to time! Good luck buddy!
First, its not logical to get a divorce and jump into another relationship. Yes, you've had this attraction/feelings with your girl friend for so many years. Yes, I see how you can care for her and love her...but keep in mind to a certain degree. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And yes, you have some physical attraction towards her (vice versa), again, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't cross that line. But once you cross that line, please believe me when I say this "life will be chaotic for you!" The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. Here's a question for you that will sort of put things into perspective. "What is one thing that Mrs. Wifey is not able to provide to you that Ms. girl friend is able to?" If your answer to that is "emotional connection" or "physical/sexual satisfaction," here's my responds to that:
second of all, if you feel that you have a stronger "emotional connection" with your girl friend its due to the circumstances you both are in. Until you live with her is when you can honestly sort of put your relationsip to the test. All it takes is that one circumstance that will spoil your "strong emotional connection." Something as simple as she may be turned off by your hairy nipples or you being turned off by her being a hoarder. Think about it, why do you think is she single "again." Believe me when I say this, the grass is NOT greener on the other side!
Third of all, If you feel that you are "physicall/sexually" attracted to your girl friend,again, is due to your circumstances. You are curious as much as she is. But once, you cross that line (and then a few more times), eventually, it all feels the same. Don't get me wrong, everything will feel right/good in the beginning, but eventually, all becomes a routine. Again, believe when I say this....the grass is NOT always greener on the other side!
Finally, DO NOT write that letter! the "KEY" thing is that knowing and believing deep in your heart that you truly care for her and love her. That's what matters the most. If she feels that you do, she does not need "proof" or to be reminded that you do! And keep in mind, if any case that you feel like you've lost that "love and feeling" with your wife (I'm not saying that you have), all you have to do is simply bring her back in to time! Good luck buddy!
May 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm
1. Don't write the letter
2. End the relationship with your "wanna be girlfriend"
3. Be a man and repair your marriage
4. Don't ever use "small chance" of fatality as an excuse again. It's pathetic. Soon enough you'll have moderate and then high chance fatality to use.
2. End the relationship with your "wanna be girlfriend"
3. Be a man and repair your marriage
4. Don't ever use "small chance" of fatality as an excuse again. It's pathetic. Soon enough you'll have moderate and then high chance fatality to use.
May 23, 2012 at 10:01 pm
I believe that you should tell your friend how you feel while you're alive if you really feel that strongly towards her. Everyone's going to be hating on me for saying this, but you only live once and if you've been in love with your friend this entire time, maybe acting on it isn't a bad thing. We're human, things change, our affections change. Think carefully about your possible actions. Weigh out the pros and cons, but don't let the fear of being alone hold you back.
May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm
I agree with @Meghan Smythe.
@my take - let's see how far your ridiculous 'short hand' gets you in the adult world.
@my take - let's see how far your ridiculous 'short hand' gets you in the adult world.
May 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm
Hey, thanks everyone thats some excellent well considered advice. I had expected to cop a fair bit of abuse but I was completely wrong! I wont comment on individuals posts other than to say there is some really insightfull advice in there from most posters!
I think all these posts follow the exact way I am thinking as I pretty much agree with you all and then my mind pops up with a comment like that made by // and its a comment I find very hard to ignore.
Time will tell. I will be trying to fix my marriage from my side and I hope my wife changes her attitude and sees that she needs to change her ways too.
I will be seeing that friend again, although not for a number of months and unless my situation has changed I will see her as a friend and nothing else. We have shown on a goodly number of occassions that we can have a great time together without sex or relationship issues being involved in any way. Perhaps too she simply needs a safe male friend to enjoy that style of company without further involvement and perhaps despite my feelings that too is what I need.
Once again, thanks all. I still have much thinking to do - and it doesnt help waiting for the results from another battery of medical tests either...
I think all these posts follow the exact way I am thinking as I pretty much agree with you all and then my mind pops up with a comment like that made by // and its a comment I find very hard to ignore.
Time will tell. I will be trying to fix my marriage from my side and I hope my wife changes her attitude and sees that she needs to change her ways too.
I will be seeing that friend again, although not for a number of months and unless my situation has changed I will see her as a friend and nothing else. We have shown on a goodly number of occassions that we can have a great time together without sex or relationship issues being involved in any way. Perhaps too she simply needs a safe male friend to enjoy that style of company without further involvement and perhaps despite my feelings that too is what I need.
Once again, thanks all. I still have much thinking to do - and it doesnt help waiting for the results from another battery of medical tests either...
May 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm
It’s a different beast emotional infidelity. It’s often not consummated; it is a different circumstance than a sexual affair. With the emotional affair, you can imagine a life that is different from your own — the old “path not taken.” There’s the idea that there is someone left behind at one point or another. Emotional infidelity can be a kind of engagement with that possibility, and it’s dangerous to the circumstances of real life because you are imagining those circumstances changing.
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