posted Monday, May 21, 2012 at 8:54pm
When I line up the people I allowed into my life and look back on the experiences that lie therein, I can see that I have not felt myself to be a very worthwhile person. I believe I learned how to give and receive broken love. This made me a weak friend, daughter, sister and lover. The kindness of strangers rebuilds my hope and trust. The only time I feel really whole is when I am alone. Some days I feel like a fish running upstream against the current. For some, the emotional scars run so deep that change is a hard won option. So you find a way to make the scar tissue rest deep enough where the goodness weakens it down to a little monster being held at bay. If I ever went missing, no one would know until I showed up missing from work. I have no family nor friends which is by a choice that is not seeking pity. I am disappointing at the worst of times. I believe that happiness is as fleeting as sadness, fear, anger, lust....I have given myself the freedom to experience each of these emotions because I cannot surrender myself to become numb with a beating heart. I have taken the time to become mindful of my surroundings and it leaves me feeling rather foreign. I took a hard left turn in my life and I am pretty scared some days because it is taking me years to get around this bend but I still have enough faith left to believe that the destination will be far better than what I have left behind.