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posted Monday, May 21, 2012 at 8:54pm
When I line up the people I allowed into my life and look back on the experiences that lie therein, I can see that I have not felt myself to be a very worthwhile person. I believe I learned how to give and receive broken love. This made me a weak friend, daughter, sister and lover. The kindness of strangers rebuilds my hope and trust. The only time I feel really whole is when I am alone. Some days I feel like a fish running upstream against the current. For some, the emotional scars run so deep that change is a hard won option. So you find a way to make the scar tissue rest deep enough where the goodness weakens it down to a little monster being held at bay. If I ever went missing, no one would know until I showed up missing from work. I have no family nor friends which is by a choice that is not seeking pity. I am disappointing at the worst of times. I believe that happiness is as fleeting as sadness, fear, anger, lust....I have given myself the freedom to experience each of these emotions because I cannot surrender myself to become numb with a beating heart. I have taken the time to become mindful of my surroundings and it leaves me feeling rather foreign. I took a hard left turn in my life and I am pretty scared some days because it is taking me years to get around this bend but I still have enough faith left to believe that the destination will be far better than what I have left behind.
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May 21, 2012 at 11:57 pm
Finally, a woman after my own heart.
I too have gotten to a point in my life where I can experience in passing the fleeting emotions and intense states of mind that once rocked me like a storm rocks a skiff at sea. Today, I am a boulder on the shore.
Of course, that leaves me isolated and immobile, others passing me by, perhaps leaning against me to enjoy my warmth on a sunny day, but leaving when the clouds form.
I don't mind when they leave. Sometimes I feel the loss, but, no matter how good they were, I also feel the intense freedom of knowing I don't have to dig deep for anyone anymore; that, again, I am that rock breaking the waves.
Broken love, like any broken thing, doesn't last long when you put it to the test, but it's still love. I've known people that never had it to give, as I'm sure you have as well. Neither of us are those kind of people.
I doubt that you're not worthwhile.
I too have gotten to a point in my life where I can experience in passing the fleeting emotions and intense states of mind that once rocked me like a storm rocks a skiff at sea. Today, I am a boulder on the shore.
Of course, that leaves me isolated and immobile, others passing me by, perhaps leaning against me to enjoy my warmth on a sunny day, but leaving when the clouds form.
I don't mind when they leave. Sometimes I feel the loss, but, no matter how good they were, I also feel the intense freedom of knowing I don't have to dig deep for anyone anymore; that, again, I am that rock breaking the waves.
Broken love, like any broken thing, doesn't last long when you put it to the test, but it's still love. I've known people that never had it to give, as I'm sure you have as well. Neither of us are those kind of people.
I doubt that you're not worthwhile.
May 23, 2012 at 3:02 am
Your open and cathartic confession explains what must be going on in the minds of people who I find lack connection and commitment. Gives me much needed insight because I often find myself trying to get close to friends and lovers and then feel them push me away or drift away. My heart breaks over and over because of souls like yourself. It is a life of privilege I often think you must have to exist completely alone and to have to rely on no one for support or emotional connection. I suppose it makes you very insightful as a watcher from the sidelines, and a very good writer (as you seem to be) but also it makes you an awful friend and companion, as you admitted. What kind of life is a life where your only concern is your own cerebral processes and protecting your own vulnerability? Your scars are not badges of honor that allow you to justify your disconnect from your life's purpose. I don't buy the "broken love" bit at all. Love is eternal and is never broken. Hearts break but love never does. Love is always within reach and so is learning the skills to express it and accept it from others. End the cycle of dysfunction that you have clearly allowed yourself to succumb to, don't let yourself fade away, it's a miracle you are here, and life is a gift. Remember "we are all born innocent." Even when everyone else looks like they have given up on you, never give-up on yourself. Your destiny is greater then your history.
May 23, 2012 at 11:37 am
Your comment was written from your broken heart and if you really read this confession, it is from a woman who clearly realizes that she is going through a life struggle, is in no denial about it and is on a journey of healing. I am not reading that this person sees their scars as a badge of honour - you are reading the words of a person who feels worthless and you added this mixed bag of opinions.............you say this.."it makes you an awful friend and companion, as you admitted. What kind of life is a life where your only concern is your own cerebral processes and protecting your own vulnerability? Your scars are not badges of honor that allow you to justify your disconnect from your life's purpose. I don't buy the "broken love" bit at all. Love is eternal and is never broken. Hearts break but love never does. Love is always within reach and so is learning the skills to express it and accept it from others. End the cycle of dysfunction that you have clearly allowed yourself to succumb to"........and then you flip your pancake and say this........", don't let yourself fade away, it's a miracle you are here, and life is a gift. Remember "we are all born innocent." Even when everyone else looks like they have given up on you, never give-up on yourself."
You already gave up on this person because of your broken heart.......and love can be broken - just ask someone who has been molested by a family member(s) in ways that you would never dream of - that is broken love. How about the father who tells his son over and over for years and years that he is useless - that is broken love. How about the alcoholic parent who relies on the family to pick up the pieces - that is broken love..........are you actually going to say that this these types of love have no effect on a person's ability to develop relationships in an adult life? Some people can get through their issues quickly but for others, it is a journey and this person is clearly on one. It appears that you need a journey on mending that broken heart of yours - the one that has had a first hand experience in broken love.
You already gave up on this person because of your broken heart.......and love can be broken - just ask someone who has been molested by a family member(s) in ways that you would never dream of - that is broken love. How about the father who tells his son over and over for years and years that he is useless - that is broken love. How about the alcoholic parent who relies on the family to pick up the pieces - that is broken love..........are you actually going to say that this these types of love have no effect on a person's ability to develop relationships in an adult life? Some people can get through their issues quickly but for others, it is a journey and this person is clearly on one. It appears that you need a journey on mending that broken heart of yours - the one that has had a first hand experience in broken love.
May 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm
this person has probably spent enough time kicking their own worth down that they don't need the lack of kindness from a stranger to keep them down. I think this confession was a step in a direction that many don't yet have the emotional ability make so this one is best left alone. Healing is a process and for this person it has already started. Best to you on your journey.
May 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Did you ever think that maybe you keep getting pushed away because you might be too emotionally needy and you wear people down? Also, you admit that you get your heart broken over and over by souless people so why do you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable souless people? Sounds like you are pretty good at picking them out-just noticed that while reading along and between your lines.
May 26, 2012 at 2:43 pm
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
~quotes by: Ralph Waldo Emerson
...you are beautiful, worthwhile, and lovable just as you are.
keep being who you are and true to yourself. peace + love.
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
~quotes by: Ralph Waldo Emerson
...you are beautiful, worthwhile, and lovable just as you are.
keep being who you are and true to yourself. peace + love.
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