posted Monday, June 24, 2013 at 3:36pm
I always get into trouble when the man I'm sleeping with discovers not only my naked body but my naked soul, as well. This trouble is called connecting. And I'm afraid of it. I'm pretty picky with who I sleep with, but when I do agree to sleep with somebody, it's because I crave intimacy. What I can't control is what happens when I do get truly intimate with somebody. I fall, and they fall. So here I am in another situation where I fall for the man who sees me for me. For others, this is all they've ever wanted. But for me, it's terrifying. I crave intimacy, but I understand how life-changing it can be. I'm not ready to be alone nor am I ready to show this man how vulnerable I really am because it can be intoxicating. So I put walls up. I slow down the pace of texts and phone calls and I tell them straight up "let's take this slow. I'm not ready to dive into a relationship". But every wall I build up comes down, and now I find myself infatuated for the nth time. He's a lovely human being. I can't break his heart... but I'm not ready to do this love thing right now either. This wasn't supposed to go so far. The uncertainty of my mind doesn't correlate with the certainty of my soul. If it feels so right, then why do I hold back? I wish I didn't have to think about what other people would think of our relationship, but I do. I wish I didn't think about what other relationship I'd be missing out on if I pledged loyalty to this man whose pillow talk makes so much sense. Maybe it can't get any better than this and I'd be another stupid, shallow perfectionist for passing him up. I've broken hearts before, but I can't bear to do it again.