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If only they'd sought help?

Sometimes someone dies by suicide and so many people are saying, if only they'd sought help. Well, I've been seeking help since I was 13 fucking years old. I'm now close to 30. What good did any of it do me? I've been out of hospital for eight months now, one of countless psych admissions in my life, but I still have nightmares once in a while about being locked up in a psych ward. It's happened to me so many times, and each time has been traumatic. People who've never been there think you're where you're need to be, that you're getting help. Reality is you lose pretty much all your rights, most of the nurses have no interest in actually trying to help you and some are downright abusive, you have to wear ill-fitting hospital pajamas and can't even get clean ones for days, you lose weight from not eating because the food is so bad, there's no counselling or anything happening, you lose the ability to stay in contact with loved ones unless they're ability to come visit, you just sit around all day doing nothing, and you're locked up in an environment where you're surrounded be people who are unpredictable and potentially violent. Last time I was there, the patient in the room next to mine got punched in the jaw by another patient, unprovoked. They had to take him out to emerg for x-rays to make sure his jaw wasn't broken. This is what "help" looks like. Another option is a psychiatrist and case manager at one of Vancouver's mental health teams, but what do they do? A whole lot of nothing. They can't be bothered to remember the details of your circumstances or needs. They say, oh, we'll refer you to such-and-such and such-and-such, and then nothing ever happens. That OT we said we'd refer you to when we saw you a month ago? No, we never did that. That other organization we thought might be able to help you that we said we'd contact for you? No, we never did that. You meet with them once a month, and nothing ever happens. They ask where you see yourself going and you say, I see myself running out of money, losing my apartment and dying. How do they respond? Not much of anything. It's been four months since I did everything I needed to do to apply for CPP-Disability and the mental health team still can't be bothered to provide the government with the necessary information so they assess my eligibility. Psychiatrist didn't even realize there was a difference between PWD and CPP and though we were talking about PWD, suggested that it was my fault because I need to fill out my section of the PWD application. Nope, I applied for PWD over a year ago and got approved four months after I applied. Also, my section? Optional for PWD, so even if we had been talking about PWD, that would be bullshit. I filled my section of the CPP-Disability application back in June and have done everything the government has asked me to. My application is now going to be decided without Service Canada having access to any records or information from my mental health team, because after waiting thirty days for a response, and then another 21 days for a response, they're forced without that information. Like, seriously, why is it so hard for these people to do their fucking job? I'm the one with a disability here, a disability so severe that I've only been able to work a total of three months in the past two years, but I'm the one who has to constantly advocate for myself and make sure that my care providers are doing their job? I thought maybe things would get better when I switched psychiatrists and case managers back in the spring, but what good did it to me? I went from a psychiatrist who was insistent that I go for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, because it's the gold standard treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, despite that my diagnoses are PTSD and Depression and I've already gone through pretty extensive but not effective (probably because I don't have Borderline Personality Dirosrder) DBT treatment. Some number of months ago, I saw a private counsellor for a number of sessions. I never got comfortable with her, and after a session where I was too dissociative to speak, she told me she couldn't see my anymore. Maybe that's for the best, since I can't afford rent let alone counselling. What next? I mean, really, where can I go from here? Right now I'm taking all the pills and drinking all the beer so that I can get as far away from this pain as I can, but then what? I can seek and seek and seek and seek help, but at what point will I actually get effective help? I've been on this journey for SIXTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE, more than half of my time on this planet. When and how am I going to actually get somewhere? Maybe my life was over the first time I was sexually abused. Maybe there was never any hope for me. Maybe all this trying to get help does me more harm than good. It would sure seem that way. If you're able to access the help you need, you deserve no less than that. I want to live in a world where everyone has that access. Instead, what? Impending death for me, despite my efforts?

miss stressed

I have been a bad person, I'm sleeping with not just one ex but 2 of them... i truly do love these guys like I always have but I think I have to make up my mind soon ... they actually love me more than they portrayed in the past but that's just age and where they are now.. I don't think anything less of them or me for that matter but the sex is incredible as it has always been but now they have taken the needy behaviour like I did and I have become pretty detached like they were... I want the best of both worlds.. ya ya I know.. I need to cut them loose AGAIN. It's criminal.. I hate my conscience.

So far away

You've been gone over a year now and we barely talk. I can't help but think that if you wanted to stay in touch, you'd make the effort.

Best Friend/Fiend

I'm glad to have my best friend back since they quit coke, had written them off there for a while.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Next time it's my birthday, I'm not telling anyone at work or in public. I don't want to be singled out for the fact that no-one thinks of me on that day like the last time when I took myself out for dinner alone. Spending xmas and VD alone is enough, thank you very much.

A truth

A shout out to all of you who think they're ugly! You're not, true beauty is inside of you, I know it sounds cliché but it's true, some of the most "beautiful" people in the world are actually the ugliest to be around

Feel Ugly

Well, that other guy who posted that he only has gay men hitting on him, good for him. I know I'm ugly. I mean, I've always known I'm ugly, but it was in Grade 9 that a bunch of my "friends" (such as they were...) told me I was ugly and that was why nobody wanted me around. I thought it was because I was fat, but I lost a bunch of weight, put on muscle, got fit, nope, still ugly. So it's probably my winning personality. And it seems everyone in Vancouver gets more and more attractive every year---maybe I should move to where my own class lives.

Halloween Costume?

In truth, nothing is scarier than being myself; so, really, I don't need one. It's not that I'm super hideous. It's just that people see my darkling features and associate them super villains, like I should be sitting on the board of Spectre, along with Ernst Stavros Blofeld. That, and maybe the fact that I like cats.

Dreams Do Come True

I had a dream that I was having sex with this sexy blonde Ukrainian woman I work with. It felt so real and was really hot. I then woke up with a huge erection and had a choice of either jerking off or waking up my sleeping girlfriend to have sex. Women will not understand that in this situation you can't just go back to sleep or ignore it. I ended up jerking off in the living room but it was still amazing.


Vegetarian is out for those Nuclear Power Plants.....just sayin'........

Winter Is Coming

Maybe we could do something different for Prostate Awareness besides Movember? Those moustaches are gross.

Mixing Business And Pleasure

Your business partner sucks at their job but I'm not saying anything about it because you are married to them.

iZombie Apocalypse

I wonder if pickpocketing has been on the rise with all the distracted people walking around with expensive devices?


After looking at computer porn and masturbating I am disgusted at what gets me off and then delete my history immediately before my wife comes home.


Homer & West Pender Encounter

It felt electric. You kept staring. Turned around even. I said you were going the wrong way. And...


The Simpsons take on Trump and Comey with...

The Trump presidency is offering plenty of fodder for the entertainment industry.