The celebrity titan and pussy powerhouse has seamlessly transitioned from pop provocateur to bridging the gap between the PTA and the trend of the day.

You force the music section to go out clubbing with Richie Sambora, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two recently released major-label CDs, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

You force the music section to buy Vancouver Canucks seasons tickets, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two recently released major-label CDs, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whinge.

If the tabloid press is to be believed—and it almost always is in these celebrity-obsessed times—hip-hop’s reigning power couple, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, tied the knot on April 4 in a top-secret ceremony at his Tribeca penthouse. Orchids were flown in from Thailand, the pair’s families turned up (along with Gwyneth Paltrow), and B serenaded Hov with some Natasha Bedingfield–inspired messages of affection (“I love you/I love you”).

You Photoshop Madonna’s sinewy man arms onto the music section’s scrawny body, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

You invite Scott Weiland to the music section’s Matt Sorum fan appreciation night and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight ’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whinge.

When he finally does the world a favour and shuffles off to the rest home, Scott Weiland is going to get priority entry into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s Flaming Douchebag wing.

Flipping through the idiot-box wasteland one fine evening, I came across one of those frightening, out-of-control, mega-glitzy showbiz production numbers, the kind that seem to scream like a vein-popping drill sergeant, “We are now entertaining the living hell out of you!” I think it was the Grammys. Worse yet, it was a duet, confirming something I’ve long suspected: duets kind of blow.

You invite Isaiah Washington to the music section’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy party, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

One of the savviest hustlers in the history of pop music—he’s given us everything from KISS caskets to comic books to his own reality–TV series—Gene Simmons has had his fingers in a lot of pies over the years. He’s also dabbled in many different business ventures, but who cares about that? As the fire-breathing, blood-spewing, greasepainted KISS bassist has made crystal clear over a 30-year run, his primary obsession is pie.

As much as it had millions of Internet pud pullers scrambling for their keyboards, talk about a massively blown opportunity. What were the editors of New York magazine thinking when they had Lindsay Lohan re-create Marilyn Monroe’s final photo shoot for their current issue? Actually, that one’s easy. As pyjama-clad perv Hugh Hefner learned long ago, there’s no better way to boost circulation than getting a high-profile celebrity to bare her knockers.

If you think the people around you don’t quite get your taste in music, just be glad you’re not a heavy-metal freak in Morocco. In 2003, 14 Casablanca metalheads, musicians and fans, were jailed for disturbing the public order and for possessing CDs and T-shirts that were supposedly anti-Islamic.

You invite Heather Mills and Paul McCartney to the music section’s dinner party, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight ’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

You invite Amy Winehouse to the music section’s crack party, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight ’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

Are you ready to rock? If the answer is no, chances are it’s not your fault. Look around. Somewhere along the way, we have lost the rock song about rockin’. While we were distracted by our day-to-day crap and going about the business of life, the rock song about rockin’ simply vanished into the fog-machine mists of time. It’s a tragedy. Without it, how is anyone supposed to rock and roll all nite, let alone party every day?