Bananas, Zucchini, Mangoes, And Chocolate Are Good Sex Food

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For a single person, Valentine's Day can be depressing. Look around and see all of the couples in love! How one envies their joyous path to in-laws, mortgages, adultery, and divorce! Well, maybe not.

This being the "single for Valentine's" issue, let's talk creative and indulgent uses of food. For those of us who like candy, this is a wonderful time. Forget the cinnamon hearts laced with red dye and imitation spice: it's all about the chocolate. I am reliably informed that chocolate is to women what sex is to men. From this, I can extrapolate that you women are always, perhaps subconsciously, craving it.

Nonetheless, steer clear of anything cheap and nasty. Ordinary chocolates--especially when labelled "chocolately" or "chocolate-flavoured"--taste of wax and shellac. Fortunately, Vancouver offers plenty of choice. Even the thong panties from the Damask gift shop near UBC (2178 Western Parkway) are made from Belgian chocolate.

But as a single, you needn't be fancy. Although the most amazing chocolate comes from Chocolate Arts (2037 West 4th Avenue), my own chocolate needs are met by the unbeautiful but reasonably priced factory seconds from the House of Brussels Chocolate (750 Terminal Avenue). For quick fixes, the various London Drugs outlets carry Lindt bars from Switzerland. While the 85-percent cocoa bar--the Everclear of chocolate--should be tried at least once in your life, the 70-percent Excellence version is just right: dark and glossy, bright on the palate.

True chocolate fiends should also visit Urban Fare (177 Davie Street), which has recently expanded its selection. A small island of shelves houses obscure European brands and massive bars of Callebaut and Valrhona.

Of course, getting jollies through food is not the only option. You can also get them with food. I don't mean inadvertent mix-ups, as in the case of one Mr. Atteya of Utrecht, who was forced to close his Turkish grill room Piramiden in 1996 due to rumours about the garlic sauce.

Rather, what foods are suitable for sex? The graham cracker was reputedly invented to reduce carnal passions, while Spanish fly and oysters are said to inflame lust. What foods can actually slake it?

We'll begin with zucchini, due to the indelible image of Spinal Tap's bass player being forced to disclose the presence of the vegetable (inexplicably foil-wrapped) from his pants during an airport security check. It's of reasonable size and shape for penetration but has scratchy bits on the end. Cucumbers don't, but have spiky pimples. Both can be cored out and heated, although microwaving could create dangerous hot zones.

A more recent example of cinematic food abuse is American Pie, with its topping of críƒ ¨me de Jason Biggs. The Internet (of course) has aficionados of the process, and apples in general are said to be convenient tools once sufficiently cored.

Bananas are inherently phallic objects, often used for demonstrating condom use to legions of bored students (and, by proxy, outraged parents). But with a woody stem and tip, they are badly designed as dildos. Removing either end ruins the structural integrity, although the slippery skin could find use in massage.

Even slipperier is the mango, a fruit that inspired a verse in the Kamasutra--"Sucking The Mango"--as a technique to please the lingam. Peaches are also smooth, fragrant, and juicy, albeit associated with Marla Maples.

Then we have wieners, which were already hilarious when you were six. Ads for Ball Park franks that described them as "girthy" acknowledge the obscene nature of these items. Questionable as food, hot dogs are also poor tools, as they have little tensile strength.

Carrots, parsnips, celery, and burdock are strong, thanks to their fibrous construction. I had a friend who swore by (unpeeled) Japanese eggplant, which offers a seamless, pleasantly springy texture.

As for food packaging, bottles have a convenient neck and a variety of shapes. We draw your attention to POM, the pomegranate beverage with the curvaceous, wasp-waisted container. At $5 per bottle, it is ridiculously expensive for fruit juice but quite reasonable for a little play pal.

To any friends who might be reading this, please be assured that it was entirely theoretical and that it is still all right to eat dinner at my place.