Lonely guys seek prostitutes and women of low calibre

Email Dan

This question comes from a point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with prostitutes and women of low calibre. I have never been able to sustain an erection during intercourse. I’ve climaxed during oral sex or handjobs. I’m not physically accustomed to getting off with anything but my hand. Worst of all, the intense fear of impotence has caused me to avoid sexual liaisons. When dating, I feel threatened by the expectation of sex within the first few dates. Any solid advice?

> Sick Of Beatin’

Join a gym and lose some weight. You’ll gain some confidence and improve your health—and your circulation—which could help in the keeping-the-dick-hard department. (I’m not telling you that you have to transform yourself into a muscle god to be happy or find love.) Seeing a doctor and getting your hands on some Viagra couldn’t hurt either. Vary your masturbatory technique.

Stop sleeping with women unless you’re attracted to them on some level, and recognize that holding the women who will sleep with you in contempt is an expression of self-hatred and knock it the fuck off. Since sex within the first few dates makes you feel anxious, inform anyone you date that you’re not up for having sex within the first few dates. And the next time you find yourself in bed with someone or sense that things are headed there, SOB, tell her that you’re really only interested in oral and mutual masturbation—at least at first—and that you generally take a long time to come. Then you don’t have to stress out about failing to meet her expectations, because she won’t be expecting anything other than what you’re capable of delivering.

Finally, there are sex workers out there who will not only get you off in exchange for your money, SOB, but will work with you on improving your skills and building up your confidence. You may have slept with one already without realizing it because you so resented having to pay for it that you dismissed her as a cheap whore to protect your ego. Dumb mistake.

I’m a heterosexual male. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never been in a short-term relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship. Four make-out sessions in my youth and paid sex with cheap street prostitutes is all the physical intimacy I’ve ever known. And sometime before the end of this year, I’ll be turning 45. I have no explanation for how I fucked up something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best clues:

1. Deep down, I don’t think I’ve ever really believed women could possibly find me attractive.

2. For me, being rejected and/or humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear.

3. My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than my romantic/sexual situation: I’m always either barely getting by or in some crisis where staying nonhomeless is my only priority.

I want to understand what the fuck is wrong with me and why I’m staring at a lifetime of totally unfulfilled romantic and sexual hopes and dreams. The last thing I need right now is some Pollyanna bullshit. I want brutal honesty.

> A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations

Some people are alone all their lives because they’re too damaged or too terrified or too terrifying, ALONE, and some people are alone all their lives because they are simply, as the cliché goes, unlucky in love. It sounds like you suffer from social and sexual anxieties—damaged and terrified—and could benefit from seeing a shrink. You say you’re barely getting by, ALONE, but if you’re spending money on cigarettes or booze or pot or all three, well, you might want to prioritize your mental health over those nonessentials.

Now here’s the usual line of Pollyanna crap that we advice professionals are supposed to squirt out for people like you: there’s someone out there for everyone, kiddo, hang in there! But that’s a lie, ALONE, and you know it and I know it and everyone who’s ever said that knows it. If it were true, then no one would be alone all his life. Unfortunately, I can’t just tell you to accept that you’re going to be alone all your life because we can’t know for sure that you were one of those people—one of those people destined to be alone all his life—until your life ends. So here’s what you need to do between now and death: keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet someone along the way.

Or not.

And finally, ALONE, if the only intimacy available to you is paid sex with cheap street prostitutes—or, as they prefer to be called, “conveniently located and economically priced sex workers”—that’s better than nothing. Remember: sex workers are part of the solution for you, if not an entirely satisfactory solution, so have a little gratitude and treat them with respect.

I’m a 60-year-old white male, securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice home that’s paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There’s just one catch: I’m still a virgin.

Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially. Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible way to salvage something from this mess?

> Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On

You’ve got a big advantage over ALONE, STPIWTGO, in that you’re financially secure. That’s something that many women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success objects, blah, blah, blah—and you could leverage your professional success to your personal advantage. You wouldn’t be the first man who was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money through a relationship, wouldn’t have to admit to “paying for sex”. So, STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice car?

But first: see a doctor. Reading your letter, I wondered if you don’t suffer from an undiagnosed case of mild-to-moderate autism. There’s no cure, but a diagnosis might make you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know you’re opposed to “paying for it” in the traditional sense—no conveniently located and economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate. Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.


Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at www.straight.com. E-mail: mail@savagelove.net.

Comments (4) Add New Comment
Your mum
Has anyone tried having sex with a horse as I might try it I'm still a virgin at 74 years old and I'm still very tight down there so any advise on which breed of horse would be kind thank you.
Rating: -3
am i the 40 year old virgin?
39 year old male, 2 months from 40. Didnt want to be the real life 40 year old virgin so i ignored my fear and comfort levels and just went out aggressivly pursued females. Was kinda suprised how easy it was to hook up with women, basically i just forced myself to make solid eye contact and acted way more confident than i actually am. Trouble is I have been impotent my entire life, was hoping being very fit and having viagra would do the trick but no dice. I have never ejaculated inside a woman, hard enough to get there by myself (can take an hour or more). Am i still a virgin if i have had a sort of erection inside a woman for a few minutes? If i have slight autism can that cause me to be impotent? No stress in my life, good career and pay, friends and fun outdoor activities (although some people suspect im gay cause im never with a woman lol). The 1 critical event that i can think may have caused phsychological problems is a violent confrontation with a pedophile when i was in kindergarten, he was molesting a girl i tried to stop him and he nearly broke my arm, he was a teacher and i made a big stink about going back to his class. Short time later someone must have realized what he was up to, he went to jail for 2 years for raping around 100 primary school girls. Can events like that cause impotence and social phobias?
Rating: +1
hey i would just like to say to you guys not to be so afraid of rejection... its a natural part of human development that we all have to face. it actually teaches you more about yourself in the end, and makes you stronger. it helps you deal with failures on all levels of life. you have to learn to forgive yourself, and just learn something, accept making mistakes, and believe in yourself to become more emotionally strong, more forgiving towards yourself, and more willing and open to just accepting fate and what can happen.. and not fear other people and let them hold so much power over you.

im a 22 year old woman and the best sex ive ever had was with a virgin. he is now my boyfriend of a year... i find that virgins are more receptive and intimate and willing to learn what pleases a woman... you are inexperienced and women are generally sweet towards men in a vulnerable position. if you dont trust the woman and she doesnt reassure you, she is probably not the right person to express your vulnerability towards. just relax and be good enough to yourself to ask for what you need... i know it is seen as unmanly to be so needy, but there are women out there who feel good in helping a man in this way. yes there are women who just want a man "who knows what to do with himself" but in my experience its easier to tell a man who wants instruction what you want then a man who thinks he knows it all already. good luck and love yourselves ! and remember it is true. you have to love yourself in order to love anyone else.
Rating: -1
I have had sex with around 50 or so sex workers, 4 girlsfriends and 3 one night stands. The 2 best sex sessions I had was 1 with this beautifil girlfriend when we were both in love, and the other was with this beautiful sex worker. To me it was a great realization to find out the both women had about the same hight and weight. To me sex is more phisical than emotional. There is only one way to find out... I have also been married and sure as hell does not feel good to have sex with a chubby girl or sex only whenever your girlfriend allows you to have (that is the fate for most men that women do not find attractive). Now a days I'm saving money so I can get 3 regular sex workers with the height and weight that I now know that I like and we will see where it goes... I think society put on lots of weights on us men, and we can choose to carry it or we can let go and try to live a little. I'm 34 and I won't lie I do regret sleeping with lots of the sex workers I did, but I would also be lieing if I said that some of the experiences were not only awsome, but they would not ever had happened if I was still thinking that prostitution is somehow wrong. Some of us have a "great" personality that women dig, some of us don't. Thank God that personality is not the only thing women dig right? What else is it that they also dig? Everyone knows what it is, what you guys have to ask yourselves (in my honest opinion) is: Do I want sex and I mean good sex, or do I want society's approval? Am I still hung-up on "would mamma approve of this woman" or do I want to feel physical intimacy the way men actually enjoy (that is with good looking girls)? In other words: You can loose a lot of money chasing women, but you will never loose women chasing money.
Time is running out, you could go out any time. I'm not saying you have to live like there's no tomorrow, but please live.
P.S.: In my experience with sex workers here in Brazil, it's so much more worth to pay $300-400 for a full night with a beautiful woman than pay $150 for an hour or so. It's much more intimate, and what we men that are not good with women need is sexual intimacy.
If you want to talk go to shrink.
If you want friends go take a class.
If you want loyalty go get a dog.
Rating: +6
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