Starring Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez. Rated 14.

Maybe Helen Mirren could put Jason Statham and her director husband Taylor Hackford over her knee and give them both a good spanking. Although they’d probably enjoy that, so never mind. But these guys somehow need a taste of the painful damage their terrible movie Parker will surely inflict on innocent brains worldwide.

Do you need to know the plot? We’re talking a crime thriller starring the guy from the Transporter and Expendables movies. He’s either going to be a cool, lethal good-bad guy who squints and pretends he’s thinking something or a cool, lethal bad-good guy who squints and pretends he’s thinking something.

Parker is the hero-thief of a zillion Donald E. Westlake novels. Badass Lee Marvin played him as “Walker” in 1967’s Point Blank and Mel Gibson was Parker (as “Porter”) in 1999’s Payback—meaning he was actually entertaining because of, well, wacko Mel. Statham’s undoubted Daniel Craig envy, sadly, hasn’t yet turned him psychotic. Anyway, Parker’s gang (including Michael Chiklis) double-crosses him after an utterly unlikely Ohio State Fair heist, so he heads to Palm Beach to fuck with their next heist and humiliate Jennifer Lopez.

Jenny is a broke real-estate agent named Leslie who doesn’t buy Parker’s rich-Texas-cowboy pose. Right, because, like, a Martian wouldn’t. Before agreeing to team up, Parker makes Leslie strip to her knickers—you know, to check for a wire—so he and Hackford’s cameraman can mercilessly ogle her. Oh, J. Lo, this sucks, because Parker loves a starving model (Emma Booth). Plus, Leslie is “pushing 40”, so ugh.

It would be luvvly-jubbly if Guy Ritchie would stash Statham in a petrol-station loo in England and just let him out for small ensemble roles like he did in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. You hit us, we hit you, Jason.