Disastrous Fantastic Four isn't much of a superhero flick

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      Starring Miles Teller, Kate Mara, and Michael B. Jordan. Rated PG. Now playing

      To the credit of all involved, the disastrous Fantastic Four will get even the most high-minded cinephiles pondering some big questions.

      As your mind wanders mid-movie, you’ll wonder whether the Thing craps pebbles and pees dust. When the Human Torch hosts a barbecue, does he simply throw the steaks on his head for a true flame-broiled taste? Does Mister Fantastic’s dong also stretch to obscene lengths? And what kind of god would curse the Invisible Woman with the most useless superpower this side of Aquaman’s?

      And then there’s the biggest question of all: who decided the world needed this unfocused, infamously troubled, and utterly charmless mess?

      Fantastic Four’s big problem is that it’s not much of a superhero movie. Instead, we spend the film’s first half in high-tech nerd territory, with teenage scientist Reed Richards (Miles Teller) hunkered down in a well-funded lab, part of a young dream-team building a space teleporter. After landing on a planet more desolate than Ashcroft, everything goes FUBAR. Hyperactive Johnny Storm (an energetic Michael B. Jordan) goes up in flames and morphs into the Human Torch, Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell) becomes the talking pile of rocks known as the Thing, Susan “Sue” Storm (Kate Mara) transitions into the Invisible Woman, and Richards gets rubber-limbed as Mr. Fantastic.

      The film’s fatal flaw is that its superheroes spend more time obsessing about their newfound freakdom in a government facility than causing massive property damage in the name of Marvel Comics. Instead of showcasing the fantastically realistic Thing, the film goes heavy on tortured introspection, which, to be fair, both Mara and Teller have the chops to pull off.

      It all ends with a brief, CGI–heavy showdown that feels as rushed as the rest of the film is dragged out. Ultimately, Fantastic Four comes off as a laboured setup to a sequel that’s predictably already in the works. That, of course, raises another mammoth question: who the hell will want to see it?

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