Starring Kit Harington and Kiefer Sutherland. Rated 14A. Now playing

“You pulled me out of a perfectly adequate brothel for this?” asks a Roman businessman at the start of Pompeii, a dippy throwback to those oily-pecced Hercules flicks of yesteryear (and tomorrow, apparently).

The Steve Reeves here is Kit Harington, from HBO’s Game of Thrones—which, regardless of what the producers or director Paul W.S. Anderson (of the Resident Evil franchise) might have thought, is no guarantee of big-screen charisma, or acting ability. He plays the lone survivor of the brutal put-down of a Celtic rebellion in Roman-occupied Britannia. As a child, Milo saw his whole family slaughtered by a cruel centurion; Kiefer Sutherland’s (imaginary-) mustache-twirling performance would have been enough to make him vow revenge.

The enslaved Milo ends up kicking ass as a gladiator in provincial Londinium, where the peeved businessman above (never caught the name, so let’s just call him Peter Ustinov) realizes the muscle-bound lad could draw big drachmas closer to Rome. After a forced march through Europe—no preferred treatment for your better gladiators?—our fave slave ends up in Pompeii, in 79 a.d.

On the way, he encounters fair noblewoman Cassia, played by Australian Emily Browning, who looks like an elvish refugee from The Hobbit, and is instantly smitten. (He’s clearly an idiot for ignoring her far hotter servant, played by Vancouver’s Jessica Lucas.) Dude also befriends an African slave played by Oz veteran Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who really can act, as well as swing a damn fine axe.

The proximity to looming Mount Vesuvius is driving up real estate prices in the seaside town, something Cassia’s wealthy parents hope to exploit in a Trump-like development scheme (with all relevant cheques made out to Jared Harris and Carrie-Ann Moss, please). Unfortunately, their chief investor turns out to be Senator Snidely Sutherland, who wants Cassia thrown in as part of the deal. Nyah-hah-hah!

Obviously, by waiting a few more weeks, the whole region could have been had for peanuts, thanks to the inevitable pyroclastic CGI-fest that erupts for the film’s admittedly exciting final 20 minutes. Getting to see Peter Ustinov and pretty much everyone else turned into 3-D human popcorn, with a tsunami chaser, is Pompeii’s sole raison d’etre. And in this regard, at least, it’s just about adequate.