Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner. Rated 14A. Now playing
Noooooo. Oh, dopey, mopey, pretty vampires and overheated wolf boys, do not forsaketh us now. But, alas, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 2 is here. Dawn is breaking for the second, er, last time. Something’s breaking. Terrible dialogue shall be uttered. Brain cells shall expire. Oh, right: the very first Twilight toasted them all. So that was that burning smell.
In the previous film, when dawn first dully broke and we all died a little inside, Bella (Kristen Stewart) birthed a half-vampire baby. Then Edward (Robert Pattinson), thoughtfully, turned Bella into a vampire. Now Bella and Edward get to have full, tedious vampire sex. “You really were holding back,” Bella tells Edward. Uh, Bella? In the last movie, Edward busted the bed. Now? Nada.
The vampires and Jacob (Taylor Lautner), the shirtless wolf boy, stand around, worrying to a backdrop of generic pop songs. That Italian vampire sect, the Volturi, think Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy)—the half-vamp baby who, disturbingly, grows into an insta-kid—is an immortal child and want to kill her. In a flashback, an immortal toddler with a blood-stained mouth bites an entire village. Maybe he was teething.
Can you kill an immortal? Never mind. Edward’s family asks vamps around the world to help. Joining fangs across the planet! Why don’t they know any fun vampires? Okay, the New Orleans vampire (Lee Pace) is cool until he falls for a Kardashianesque vamp chick. Fail.
Fight! Finally, some action. For Italians, the Volturi (including Dakota Fanning) are damn serious, but Michael Sheen is excellently entertaining as their leader, Aro. He giggles crazily when he sees Renesmee. Or maybe it’s just being in the movie. Lots of heads are snapping. This is good. We wanted to see heads snap five movies ago. The night is always darkest before the dawn. The second dawn.
Watch the trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 2.