Hotel Transylvania is a hyperactive, monster-laden romp for children only


Featuring the voices of Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Selena Gomez. Rated G.

Is this an Adam Sandler movie? Thank God. Just when we were all thinking, “There are never enough Adam Sandler movies,” here is Hotel Transylvania to sustain us till next month. Even though it’s an animated 3-D movie for children with no taste and we only get to hear Sandler’s voice, the movie will probably save civilization.

Sandler is playing Dracula. Yep, the Count now talks exactly like Sandler being, apparently, Transylvanian. His daughter, Mavis, is turning 118. Is that Emma Stone’s voice? No, she would never do this movie. It’s Selena Gomez. Okay, Dracula wants to protect Mavis and all monsters from the “persecution of humans”, so he has turned his castle into a swinging monster hotel. Adam, we humans like monsters. We only want to persecute people who make terrible movies.

Everybody’s here: Frankenstein, invisible man, mummy, and a werewolf couple who have, apparently, never been taught about birth control—that’s not a very good example for kids, now is it? Wow, this movie sure is hyperactive. Werewolf “children” are running amok. Oh, and using the hotel lobby as a potty. Nice. This movie should be perfect for children who subsist on sugar. And fart jokes. One of the monsters keeps farting. Is it the yeti or the mummy?

Okay, for adults there’s nothing to do but try to guess voices. Mr. Werewolf is definitely Steve Buscemi. And David Spade is the invisible dude. They both sound sheepish. Fran Drescher is Frankenstein’s lady. Now let’s out Kevin James, Molly Shannon, and Jon Lovitz. Come on, you guys, you’re totally in this.

Oh, Andy Samberg is here too, playing Jonathan, a slacker human interloper—just like most of us on this planet. Jonathan and Mavis fall in love. Drac disapproves. Surprise! Everybody runs around some more. That’s it? That’s all? Adam, don’t leave us. The darkness is closing in.

Watch the trailer for Hotel Transylvania.

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Substance McGravitas
Please tell me that someone got paid for writing that. Terrible writers need hope too.
Rating: +7
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