Starring Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley. Rated 14A. Opens Friday, June 4.

On paper, Splice looks promising. First off, it’s directed and cowritten by Vincenzo Natali, who helmed 1997’s compelling Cube, a Saw-inspiring horror thriller about seven strangers stuck in a booby-trapped maze. Splice stars Academy Award winner Adrien Brody of The Pianist fame, as well as Oscar nominee Sarah Polley. Then there’s the fact that Guillermo del Toro, the man behind the astonishing dark fantasy Pan’s Labyrinth, is an executive producer.

Watch the trailer for Splice.

Who would have thought talent of that calibre would combine to create such a catastrophic stinker, an absolute shoo-in for multiple honours at the next Razzies? Splice truly is the Catwoman of horror.

This thoroughly annoying movie opens with hotshot genetic engineers and lovers Clive and Elsa (Brody and Polley) overseeing the successful “birth” of a giant caterpillarlike life form, the result of various animals’ DNA being spliced together. The pulsating pink glob goes into violent spasms and dies, but not before displaying a nasty streak by latching on to Elsa’s arm. This only encourages the couple to take their experiment to the next level—injecting human DNA into the mix—which they are forced to do in secret when corporate overlords pooh-pooh the idea.

Before long, the two hipster geeks create something that looks like a cross between an uncooked supermarket chicken with ostrich legs and a hairless rabbit. Just try not groaning and shaking your head in disbelief as the motherly Elsa frets over this abomination, which she lovingly christens Dren (nerd spelled backward).

Aging at super speed, Dren soon becomes womanlike—except for those legs and that stinger-embedded tail—and takes on the mindset of a bored and rebellious teen. Curious about the world beyond the barn doors of the scientists’ hideout, she escapes, and as Elsa and Clive give futile chase through the woods, he proclaims—in a message potential Splice viewers would be advised to heed—“This is the disaster everyone warns about!”

I just can’t figure out why nobody warned me.

Comments (5) Add New Comment
So the movie's bad.
Why? No explanation offered - just a quick synopsis we're already aware of given varying trailers and nothing else. How does this even qualify as a review? Brief spoilers and a statement of dislike?
What a waste of time, what false validation.
At least the ueberword hipster managed to get mentioned.
Rating: -8
Catwoman?! Oh settle down, it can't be that bad. The reviews are a bit mixed but generally it is well received, read mrqe.
Rating: 0
Even if the movie IS that bad, isn't the fun to be had in reading a review more entertainingly excoriating than this? The movie is "thoroughly annoying"? Wow. Snap.
Rating: -5
The plot on this review is WRONG! The caterpillar creature survives. at which point the company which funds them basically shuts down the splicing section, and so they get annoyed and add human DNA to the mix. Which then sort of attacks Elsa. Get your facts right.
Rating: -2
Two of the truly homely Hollow-wood "stars" (Polley and Brody). They could play alien creatures without benefit of make-up!

One more annoying, cloying, ridiculous and immensely stupid Hollow-wood film in a long line of them.

As for the "creature" : Corrupters of the world, the Nephilim have fathered two separate generations of giants in the world, which are still affecting us to this day. Their fathers were the angels thrown out of heaven by God for the crimes of pride, jealousy… (Tom Horn)
Rating: -2
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