Taken 2 is a wrecking ball

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Starring Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen, and Maggie Grace. Rated PG. Now playing

In Taken 2, some Albanian criminals are mad at Liam Neeson for Taken. Get in line, guys. And we can tell you’re criminals because of the tracksuits and dirty hair. What’s with the tracksuit thing? Total giveaway.

Nope. Actually, they’re mad at Bryan Mills, Neeson’s ex-CIA guy, because in Taken Bryan killed zillions of their tracksuit-wearing kinfolk after they kidnapped Bryan’s daughter and tried to turn her into a Parisian whore. Wait. That’s a bad thing?

Now Bryan is in Istanbul. Great. He’s going to totally wreck Istanbul the way he wrecked Paris. His estranged wife, Lenore (Famke Janssen), and their daughter, Kim (Maggie Grace), are there too. Duh, Bryan and Lenore are still hot for each other. Meanwhile, the Albanians are torturing some guy to find out where Bryan is. Did you check his Facebook? Hollywood’s favourite Croatian, Rade Serbedzija, is the head bad guy. He’s had dirty, flowing hair in more movies than anyone else ever. This is a compliment.

Taken! Er, taken too. The Albanians have snatched Bryan and Lenore. This is not a spoiler. What did you think the title meant? But, first, Bryan sensed that about a hundred black SUVs were following them and gave Lenore the most hilariously convoluted getaway directions. Bryan, she’ll never remember to turn left at the blind guy playing the flute by the fig cart next to the three-legged cat.

Yep, lots of bodies, wrecked 3,000-year-old city. Forget the Albanians: someone stop Bryan. Although at least this thing moves along. Go, Bryan! God, Neeson is serious. And tall. And a killing machine.

Plus, he’s teaching Kim to wreck stuff. Bryan, she just blew up some guy’s car. What do you want to bet that director Olivier Megaton and cowriter Luc Besson always wanted to blow up shit when they were kids?

“I am tired of it all,” Bryan is saying. Let’s nap, Bryan.


Watch the trailer for Taken 2.

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